So you’ve mastered going tinkle while sitting on your bottom. It may seem that there is little more to achieve in affairs of the potty. On the contrary. I have perfected the art of balancing on two feet while making a pee-pee, and this is my MasterClass.


The foundation of going pee-pee whilst upright is pulling down one’s pants and big-boy undies. It is a common misconception that one should undress completely. Far from it, pants and big-boy undies must be lowered to the ankles. Do not neglect this critical step, for this is what activates the pee-pee.

To Grip or Not to Grip

One must cultivate the discipline never to grip one’s wee wee. Like a garden hose, it must whip around autonomously. Both hands must either rest upon the hips, or else be positioned in front of the wee wee to intercept the stream for research purposes.

There is one exception that goes without saying: one may hold and point one’s wee wee up at one’s face to get a view of the pee hole at just the moment it fires.

Line of Sight

Never look at the potty. One’s gaze must be intensely fixed upon one’s wee wee. The reason? Quite simply because it is about to shoot a laser beam, and one cannot afford to miss that.

Sound Effects

Once initialized, the stream is liable to stop prematurely unless one continuously voices sound effects. Which sound effects? I’m afraid that cannot be taught. They must emerge, like poetry, from who you are. The sound that rises from my depths is “pew pew.”

That Troublesome Lid

If there is a way to influence the lid’s position before initializing the tinkle, it is yet unknown to science.

If one should make a pee-pee all over the closed lid, simply sound the distress cry for Mommy. Her presence is correlated somehow with tinkle vanishing from surfaces. Regrettably, this phenomenon is not well understood, and further testing is needed to demystify the association of Mommy with tinkle magically disappearing.

Accuracy vs. Precision

Where the pee-pee should land is a matter of subjective preference. Some may attempt advanced techniques such as shooting pee-pee into the potty water. Another popular option is to shoot the tank, because that is precisely its function, like a basketball backboard.

Cleaning Up

Take a wad of toilet paper, wipe one’s nose, and drop it on the ground. The potty will flush and clean itself according to mysterious mechanisms that have never yet been scientifically observed.

Because It’s There: Climbing the Potty

If you struggle to hit the potty water, try climbing the potty for a higher angle of entry. This will cause one to fall down, owing to undies-at-ankles. Whilst prone, kick one’s legs chaotically until the pants are inside out and still attached to one’s ankles, with the big-boy undies on the outside. Now mount the potty.

If one discovers while standing atop the potty that the lid is still down, do not cry, for the potty’s tank has a removable lid for just this scenario. Slide the tank lid off and rest assured that as a delicate object, it can survive a fall from any height.

From the time Daddy shouts grown-up words from across the house, one has ten seconds to sling tinkle into the tank water. Recall the rule against gripping and shoot clear over the tank to drill a spray hole in one’s finger painting of Nemo pinned to the wall.

This is the power of pee-pee.

Indulging the Elder

Once all other avenues have been attempted, and as an absolute last resort, accept Daddy’s guidance and a footstool.

When you, at long last, score a water bullseye with your laser beam, Daddy will cheer for you. You might be tempted to turn your head to smile at him in pride. Don’t. Instead, turn your whole body to face him. The resulting scene will become clean at a time just before, during, or after Mommy’s arrival.

Putting It to Use

As Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a potty.” So never ask, “Where can I go?” Ask instead, “Where can’t I go?” Because now, the bathtub, the playground, the kitchen sink, and certainly your sister’s doll house are all legitimate toilets.