In conjunction with our health insurance partners, we’re proud to announce our new Corporate Bloodletting Program, which will go into effect with next year’s benefits elections.
To keep costs down for both you and your benevolent employer, our wise and caring executives are implementing this new program designed to help you avoid the steep expenses of urgent and emergency care by encouraging healthy habits like crash-dieting in the weeks leading up to the Corporate Bloodletting, or trying potentially dangerous methods to “cheat” our nicotine tests, as demonstrated by strangers on YouTube.
You’ll sign up for your bloodletting appointment using our convenient online registration system. Then, on the day of your bloodletting, a menacing horde of temporary contract-based employees provided by a third-party contractor will appear downstairs in the main conference room. Remember to fast starting twelve hours before your appointment to ensure an accurate blood sugar measurement. This is crucial as the CEO has diabetes and can’t ingest too much sugar during the ritual in which he consumes all of the samples.
During the bloodletting, the temporary contract-based healthcare trainee will draw a tiny vial of blood from your finger. This sample will be used to check your blood sugar, cholesterol, and triglycerides before the remaining portion is added to a glittering silver goblet from which the CEO will drink during the quarterly shareholders’ meeting.
After the puncture wound has been mysteriously cauterized by a withering glance from the temporary contract-based healthcare trainee, you will be asked to stand and hold your arms away from your sides. Then your waist circumference will be measured to determine your odds of developing a metabolic syndrome and successfully evading capture in the event that you are one of the CHOSEN.
Using nicotine products dramatically increases your chances of developing cardiovascular disease while decreasing your odds of outrunning HR’s Enforcement Squad, so we need to know if you’re a smoker. Your temporary contract-based healthcare trainee will give you a massive cotton swab that thirsts for your bodily fluids. You’ll wipe it around your cheeks and gums for a full minute. During that time, the swab will play an eerie tone, creating vibrations in your skull to put you into a mild hallucinatory state, easing your transition into The Ceremony.
Finally, your blood pressure will be checked to ensure the optimal level of tension in your twisting veins. The Company thirsts for blood, and it must flow freely from those who are CHOSEN.
If your measurements fall within acceptable limits on at least three of these metrics, you will receive a seventy-five-dollar credit against your health insurance premium on each paycheck. Please note that this is a reduction in charges for those who demonstrate healthy habits. This is emphatically not a seventy-five-dollar bimonthly surcharge on those who don’t. Participation in the program is optional, provided you can afford to lose $2K annually in unnecessary health insurance payments, which none of you can because we’ve made sure you’re not paid well enough to take a $2K hit every year.
In addition to not receiving the healthcare premium credit, those who do not fall within acceptable limits are also subject to being CHOSEN for The Ceremony. If you are CHOSEN, further details will be shared with you by the snarling hellhounds that drag you down to the mailroom.
Also, don’t forget to submit your benefit elections for next year by this Friday.