Dear shareholders:

We are excited to announce the acquisition of “Elevator Pass,” a thrilling new technology we believe will tear down the barriers that separate people, places and ideas.

The all-cash deal is for $70 million and marks the first of what are sure to be many exciting days for the company under its new executive team.

“Elevator Pass” is the work of some older kids our CEO met his first day at work. Lost and needing directions, he asked them for assistance with his turnaround.

Their response: Had he heard of “Elevator Pass?”

“No,” our CEO said, intrigued. “What’s that?”

These young men explained that hidden away in most companies is a secret “Elevator to Success,” which can rocket the right person to the top in a limited amount of time.

“Could you show me where this ‘Elevator’ is?” our CEO asked.

“Yes, but there’s a catch,” they explained. Once there, our CEO would need what’s commonly referred to as an “Elevator Pass,” cutting edge technology the CEO must wave in everyone’s faces to signal that he knows what the hell he’s doing.

Unfortunately, no one wants to just give those away, they added.

“Well, what do I do?” asked our CEO. “I’m new here, and need to make a strong, first impression.”

He was in luck. Fortunately, these young men were capable programmers, able to draw up an “Elevator Pass” on the spot. They swore that while others may possess something similar to this “Elevator Pass,” his would be unique.

Our CEO liked what he heard, as it fit the bold vision he has for this company. Still, he had his doubts. Could these young men actually design an “Elevator Pass” for him to ride the “Elevator to Success” to the top in a limited amount of time?

“Yes,” they said. And for proof, they took his hand and drew upon it a different kind of program: the shortcut to work.

Our CEO was convinced. He said he would buy “Elevator Pass.” But for how much?

“$10 million,” they said.


“Of course, that’s only if you want to ride the ‘Elevator’ on Mondays,” they forgot to mention. “Are you planning to ride the ‘Elevator’ other days, too?”

“Well, of course,” our CEO replied. And so they drew up four more “Elevator Passes.”

“Oh,” he interjected, “I won’t be working from home. No one will be. Better make it seven.”

“Seriously?” the young men remarked, and then, just as quickly, “Oh, right. Yeah. Sure. Of course, of course. Whatever you say.” And whatever it was, it brought joy to the faces of these young men.

Thus, the final price was struck: $70 million for the world’s only executive “Elevator Pass.”

Our CEO got more than just an “Elevator Pass” for $70 million, though. He also got the young men to agree to develop more next-generation technology for the company. Currently, they’re working on two very different products: The first, “Locker Insurance,” is software that enhances security for The Cloud, and the second, an unnamed Bikram Yoga program, allows women to touch their elbows behind their backs. That one is still in phase three trials, though.

We hope all shareholders are as excited as we are, and we can’t wait to see what the future holds for the whole team!

‪Public Relations