Demons of Hell -

As of Monday, all full-time employees are under review. Though the Devil’s Workshop was once founded on the work of idle hands, it has come to our attention that this practice has become outdated and ineffective. The Prince of Darkness feels he has been left with no choice but to modernize immediately.

We can no longer ignore the facts: Human non-productivity is at an all-time high, and our soul acquisition rate is at an all-time low. Right after The Fall, when we were just starting out, all we had to do was target standard perpetrators of idle behavior: male gamblers and drinkers. They were guaranteed to bring ruin upon their entire families, giving us a three-for-one soul profit. Now, with the advancement of women’s rights, wives can just leave these men and take the kids with them. That brings our soul acquisition down by more than half. Female equality was never factored into our original business model.

Then, there’s the plague of modern emergency infrastructure. It used to be that we could just encourage a man to do nothing as his neighbor’s house burned down or a stranger was mugged. His idle hands would become our beautiful instruments of callous apathy. Now, an automated fire alarm calls the fire department and a police helicopter stops the mugging. The last time we saw this kind of advanced social structure was during the Roman Empire — and they were on our side.

There was even a time when just sitting there not thinking of anything at all could lead to the actualization of an evil thought or an unclean impulse in a victim. We really thought the Internet was going to be our big break into that sector. YouTube was supposed to be the end of Man, but all of our projections were wrong. In the digital age, even when people aren’t doing anything, they’re still doing something. Their minds aren’t blank for a single goddamn second. Modern man cures his boredom with cat videos and online shoe-shopping instead of dabbling in witchcraft or planning a weekend B&E.

Even those truly dark souls we used to rely on as our bread and butter are getting sidetracked by the advent of violent video games and virtual reality glasses. They can sit around beating hookers and murdering gang members to their blackened heart’s content without so much as leaving the house. There’s no repercussions with the law, no clean up… we just can’t compete with that kind of user experience.

So, my fellow demons, it is with a heavy heart that I have to say, idle hands are no longer the Devil’s weapon. Should you be let go in the coming days due to restructuring, we urge you to seek alternative employment immediately and not contribute further to our idleness issue. We’ve heard God has some openings and Jesus can be very forgiving.