INNOVATIVE START-UP SEEKS SENIOR-ASSOCIATE-VICE-PRESIDENT OF BELOW-GROUND ACQUISITIONS
Are you an entrepreneurial sales enthusiast who won’t take no for an answer?
Do you find yourself talking shop to anyone who will listen?
Even when you should be enjoying your vacation time lounging on the beaches of the barely-mortal side of the River Styx?
Have you ever hustled a couple of eight-balls of pomegranate seeds to a boat-load of unsuspecting Norwegian tourists because you blew all your cash at a cockfighting ring and thought to yourself: I should do this for a living!
Well, believe it or not—you can!
WHO WE ARE
Here at Beyond the Grave Digital, we specialize in creating multi-screen, multi-media, multi-dimensional advertising and marketing solutions that bring together savvy, ambitious brands with a vast market of potential consumers—–consumers that we guarantee no one else can connect with: the dead!
We are the world’s premiere full-service digital creative agency built strategically from a satanic and sales-driven core. We work holistically, looking further than sales goals and brand lift—here at BGD we don’t talk strategy until we’ve dug deep and found the cold, barely-beating, black-blooded heart of our clients’ capitalist brand identities, allowing us to hone in and execute their greatest and most terrible market-dominating potential.
We also get two company-sponsored weekends in the Hamptons, an annual ski-trip, and Fondue Fridays!
Also, we have an office serpent. It’s a little bit of an issue but not as bad as it sounds!
Our unique team comes to the table with years of respective experience marketing to the woebegone, insentient masses—and that was when we worked with the living! The dead are a unique, dynamic populace rife with brand engaging potential: not only do they have literally nothing else to do, but they’re also eager adopters of nearly anything that reminds them of their days among the living. (And have we got the market research to prove it!) Anything to quell the increasing sense of their own insignificance in the face of doomed oblivion.
We represent renowned retail, financial, education, and political clients in a variety of verticals. Marketing to those who have moved beyond our mortal coil has shown measurable results for the likes of Fresca Cola, Hannah Montana, Under Armour, The Beef Council, Blue-Balls Inc, US Senator Lindsey Graham, Apple, Anne Taylor Loft, and NYU!
Here at BGD, we don’t push products, facts, or ideas. We create fully integrated experiences that grow, transform, and push our clients’ most valuable asset, their brand … Beyond the Grave!
For our Senior-Associate-Vice-President Position, we are looking for an individual who thinks strategy, lives marketing, dreams profit, and feasts readily on the blood of the competition. Salesforce proficiency is a must, as is a full, up-to-date roster of immunizations. Industry contacts a plus.
Excellent team management skills are imperative – the SAVP must be comfortable managing a dynamic team of rookie and established new media professionals: clairvoyant digital strategists, ad-ops warlocks, and unpaid interns. Really ‘wow’ us and you might even get an audience with the big guy downstairs.
Knowledge of our target demographic is essential, but, as in all advertising, regard isn’t necessary. We’re looking for skull-splitting thinkers willing rend through the burden of long-forgotten flesh; to toss aside beating bodies and hit these consumers where they really make their longest-standing brand loyalty decisions: their everlasting souls.
In short, we’re looking for someone who can, as we say in the industry, ABC-C! Always Be Closing—the Coffin!
Please send a full resume attached as a PDF, as well as an up-to-date-photo and a fresh lock of hair.
No need to include contact information; we know where you sleep.