Do you have kids? Why not? You’ll never know real love until you have a baby.

You’re trying to get pregnant? Yeah, not as much fun as it seems. Good luck to you! It will probably cost a fortune. It will be worth it, though. Just be as calm as possible about it.

It isn’t like you’re eighteen anymore, amiright? Tick tock.

You’re going to the gym and getting healthy, right? I mean, you really should. Look at those hips! At least the baby’s head will fit through. Don’t exercise too much, though.

You’re pregnant? Well, sleep now is all I can tell you. This is your last chance to sleep for 18 years.

You’re tired? I couldn’t sleep at all when I was pregnant. I felt like a beached whale. Forget the body pillows and the stretching; nothing will help.

Did you finish the nursery? What’s your baby’s gender? Well, at least the room has a theme, right?

You’re eating organic, right? Why are you buying carbs and frozen treats? You’re acting like you don’t care about your baby.

Why do you think you need a bouncy seat? Are you planning on putting the baby down? Babies like to be held. You can’t spoil a baby!

You had your baby? Well, good luck to you. He’s screaming a lot? Yes, that goes on for a long time. What, are you worried about him? That’s what babies do. They scream and scream and scream. Turn on the television and you’ll both be fine.

Doesn’t motherhood give you perfect memory? You remember every lullaby your own mother ever sang to you, right?

Are you still recovering from the birth? Yeah, that takes forever. I ached and had weird pains for months.

Are you tired? Sleep when the baby sleeps. You should probably do laundry when the baby sleeps, too. And food shopping. And catch up on emails. Come on! Everyone wants to know when they can come and see the baby.

You need a shower, too? Oh, do that when the baby sleeps.

You’re getting rid of your maternity clothes already? But it will be months before you can even think about wearing pants with buttons or zippers again.

Did you at least check your walls, water, air, and insulation for lead? What about your plates? Your breast milk? You can’t forget to check everything.

Are those disposable diapers? Really? You made that choice? I see. I thought you cared about the environment.

You’re using cloth diapers? I thought you needed more time for self-care? You have to take care of yourself, you know.

You’re looking for a daycare spot? Pretty late in the game, I’ll say. Good luck trying to find a place that’s even legal.

How did I find a daycare? I don’t remember. This is your brain on motherhood! I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast.

You gave him solid foods already? You didn’t hear about the kids who ate solid foods?

Walking? Oh, no! You’re in for it now. You should have tried to travel, or at least go grocery shopping, before that happened. Good luck to you.

Did you baby-proof everything? Make sure you cover everything pointy and hard. Every edge and surface! Soon he’ll be tall enough to reach even the top shelf of your bookcase. You should probably just put everything in storage.

Is she smiling at me? Watch out. Get that rifle ready. Oh, right, it’s a boy. You’ve got a ladies’ man on your hands. Watch out.

Wait, is the TV on? You didn’t let your baby see the screen, did you?

You’re excited about his birthday party? I see. You’ll get tired of having them and going to them soon enough. Enjoy this one, I guess.

When are you going to have Baby #2? Don’t you want someone to love Baby #1 after you die?

He’s starting daycare? Wow. He’s going to be sick Every. Single. Day. You, too. But then no one will ever be sick again! You are responsible for training his immune system. I guess your mother didn’t know to train yours.

You’re spending all of your money on private school, right? So expensive, but education is the most important thing. You’d do anything for that child, right?

You didn’t open a college fund to put all of your money into? I thought you agreed that education was important?

You aren’t sending him to public school? Don’t you care about your community?

You didn’t sign up for summer camp yet? It is already January! What are you going to do, quit your job?

Wait, you went back to work? You want strangers to raise your child?

Oh, you’re home with him. I hope you’re at least bringing him to reading time at the library. He needs to get socialized.

Want to meet up for wine tonight with the other mothers at 9 pm? You should join our “Mommy’s Night Out!” We thought of a few more things you need to know. Get some rest today! It will be a late night.