EVE: I’ve never felt so ashamed in my life.
ADAM: This is a disaster. This is so embarrassing.
EVE: I feel so exposed, so vulnerable. I’ve had nightmares about this type of thing before, but I never thought it would happen in real life, let alone in a garden.
ADAM: Do you think the animals can see us? Do you think they know we’re naked?
EVE: Oh, believe me, the animals are definitely watching us. They’re probably judging our bodies right as we speak.
ADAM: I think I can hear them laughing. They’re taunting us. They hate us. Everybody hates us.
EVE: They must think I’m a slut.
ADAM: Right now, I don’t feel like I was created in His image. I feel like I was created in the image of an ugly person.
EVE: This is so demoralizing. Being naked in a garden is the only thing people will remember us for.
ADAM: This is the most embarrassing thing to happen in human history.
EVE: I wish I had never been born. I wish He had just skipped this day completely.
ADAM: God created the Heavens and the Earth and we couldn’t even look half-decent for Him.
EVE: We suck. We’re genuinely terrible people. He gave us literally only one direction and we blew it for some apples.
ADAM: I don’t even like apples. I don’t know what I was thinking.
EVE: Remember that time God told us not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge?
EVE: We were completely naked that whole time and we didn’t even realize it.
ADAM: That is so embarrassing. I bet God noticed and it made Him uncomfortable, but He didn’t say anything because He didn’t want to be rude.
EVE: Can I tell you something? You have to promise not to tell anyone.
ADAM: Sure. There’s no one I could tell even if I wanted to.
EVE: I don’t completely mind being naked. Like it’s actually kind of freeing.
ADAM: What? How can you say that?
EVE: The only reason people wear clothes is to conform to societal norms. Society says exposing myself is bad, but why should I care what other people think of me?
ADAM: You’re right. You and I are beautiful, strong human beings. The animals aren’t wearing clothes. Why should we? We have nothing to be ashamed of.
GOD: I heard thy voice in the garden. Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
EVE: Yeah, we ate from the tree, and yeah, we know we’re naked. But we’ve talked through our anxieties and we’re comfortable with our bodies now.
ADAM: I’m a feminist.
Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from the garden of Eden. They moved to the kingdom of Greenwich Village, where they got belly button piercings and converted to Buddhism.