Additional reporting for this article was provided by Helen and Bob Green in the Denver Bureau, who have recently separated. Bob has put in for a transfer to the Barbados Bureau, a move that confirms to Helen she is making the right decision. Additional reporting was also provided by David Sanders in Detroit, who fought to keep the exclamation points that end quotations in the eighth and fourteenth paragraphs, both of which were later cut due to space constraints.

Honey Peaks in Sarasota also contributed to the article. We rarely use Ms. Peaks’ name in a byline because our Midwest readership complains of indecency. Randy Jacobs in Albany, who is no longer with the company, was vital in pointing out several reporting errors. Sandy Liu out of Missouri, our Punctuations Editor, added most of the periods and commas that made this article coherent.

Additional reporting was done by Rhonda Walsh in the Washington DC Bureau and Rhonda Davies in the Washington State Bureau. We feel compelled to acknowledge that we have two different Rhondas, working in separate Washington bureaus on opposite sides of the country, lest readers complain to Collin Wrythe, the Corrections Editor, that we erred in our reporter credits. We often refer to this as our “Rhonda Situation,” which is a newsroom joke for those of us outside the DC Bureau. Whereas inside the DC Bureau, the “Rhonda Situation” is a human resources reference to one reporter’s use of phlegm to solve newsroom disputes.

Additional reporting was provided by Deputy Editor Merv Lintner in New York, who kept requesting rewrites and reminding us of the inverted-pyramid writing style, which delayed publication of this article by several months, much later than our competitors, making this organization the laughingstock of the journalism community. It’s not even news at this point. Renee Eldridge in legal was integral in fact-checking much of this piece, avoiding several defamation lawsuits had we not emailed her at the last minute. Mark Wahlberg, the kid on the night copydesk in Chicago who we all mockingly refer to as Marky Mark, put together an infographic that lends credibility to this report.

Ricky Goldberg, the Barbados Bureau Chief, is seriously running that bureau into the ground by encouraging all the drinking and whoring among the reporting staff. Mister Goldberg had nothing to do with this article other than we think Bob Green in Denver is making a huge mistake with this transfer. Is that the future you really want, living in an island paradise with Ricky as a boss/roommate, reporting tired lifestyle pieces for tourists, existing on bonfire parties and flings with spring breakers every night, none of which will give you the intellectual back and forth that Helen can provide? We know she’s a pain in the butt—we’ve all collaborated with her on articles—but come on, Bob, are you willing to throw away eight years of marriage due to disagreements over one lousy article? Dustin Moore in Tallahassee contributed the most by not contributing at all.

Additional reporting by Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball,” which at first we dismissed as pop culture trash, but then we came to understand as a newsroom anthem outlining the impact our careers have had on our social lives.

Additional reporting by doughnuts.

Additional work was provided by Additional Reporting Editor Mira Chong in Albuquerque, who may have forgotten to credit several reporters. Additional work will be provided by Mister Wrythe, the Corrections Editor, who will have his hands full with much of this following publication. Writing credits should also go to many competing media outlets, as vast tracts of this article were lifted from websites and Twitter, then rephrased. Contributions are noted from Susan Tierney in New York, who broke up several fistfights over the course of this investigative report.

Additional reporting was provided by Las Vegas Bureau Chief Randall Waters, who fact-checked the article. We don’t even have a bureau in Las Vegas, which is why we all refused to have our name in the byline. Noted contribution came from Lenny Wilkes, who served as the scapegoat by agreeing to run his name in the byline despite having not even read the article. Additional reporting was provided by Maria Henderson in Dubai, who typed Mister Wilkes’ name in the byline of this article.