These are the adult films I would star in if my current unemployment in Los Angeles forces me, like so many Los Angeles transplants before me, to enter into the adult industry.

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Would You Like Sausage With That Pizza?

A pizza delivery boy knocks on the door of a sorority house where two nubile coeds live. He knocks at an opportune time as Tami has just broken up with her boyfriend and is looking for a way to make him jealous and Cindi has just gotten out of the shower. However, his misreading of their flirtatious signals, nervous inability to make eye contact, and a failed attempt at a double entendre involving tipping, lead the girls to decide they’d rather just be friends.

The Ignition Switch

Oh no! Mindi’s car broke down and she can’t afford to fix it. Is there any way she can convince the mechanic to help her for free? Unfortunately the mechanic’s New York City upbringing and pampered liberal arts education left him skilled at reading subway maps and critiquing the ideological basis of gender divisions in the workplace but ignorant of how cars work and with soft, almost buttery hands unsuited to manual labor, thus precluding the sort of quid pro quo agreement that Mindi may or may not have been hinting at.

The Casting Couch

Traci is new to Hollywood and she’ll do whatever it takes to be a star. The casting agent says he has been in LA for almost three years and has lots of useful contacts. Traci brightens and leans forward on the couch. The casting agent says he has a friend who is a teaching assistant at an improv school in Reseda so he can get her a discount on classes there. Traci, unwilling to do whatever it takes in exchange for access to discount improv classes, puts on a heavy sweater.

Three’s a Crowd

In this misleadingly titled film two women giggle and start kissing each other. Pammi says loudly, “I hope my boyfriend doesn’t walk in on us.” Then pauses and looks at the door. Sammi then says even louder, “Yeah I really hope your boyfriend doesn’t catch us.” However, the boyfriend never materializes and Pammi and Sammi are left waiting in a way that is less sexy anticipation and more just boredom. It is later revealed that Pammi’s boyfriend missed his cue to enter because he was calling his parents to ask for money so that he can pay his Wi-Fi bill.

The Foreign Exchange Student

Mimi is a foreign exchange student who is very, very lonely at her new American college. The male student across the hall offers to keep her company. He reveals that he is lonely too because his ex-girlfriend is studying abroad in Venezuela. Mimi says, “I know just how to make you feel better” and starts rubbing his back but then he keeps rambling on about the ex-girlfriend and all the photos he sees on Facebook of her posing with her arm around shirtless Venezuelan men who look better with their shirts off than he looks with his shirt off and not that that matters because he has a nice personality (doesn’t Mimi think he has a nice personality?) but still he can’t help but be jealous even though of course he just wants her to be happy but why can’t she be happy and also only fraternize with fully-clothed ugly people and maybe he should block her from Facebook but then she would know he was jealous and even though they will probably never see each other again he doesn’t want her to know he’s jealous because he wants the upper hand in their breakup because, well, you know. Mimi looks irritated and uncomfortable, and mentions that since it’s getting late she should study for her microbiology midterm and could he please leave her room?