Great news, denizens of the Internet! As of this morning, all of your internet petitions have been approved!
Yes, it’s true. Every online petition you’ve generated over the past ten years has been meticulously pored over by a crack research team at the White House, and this morning the President made the executive decision to approve every one of your demands. That’s right! Regardless of the number of signatures gathered, the moral consequences, or the physical practicality of the request, all of your boneheaded fantasies are about to become actualized. We’ve gathered a select few examples of what changes we can look forward to in the near future, thanks to your digital whims.
The Paul Feig directed Ghostbusters reboot, originally scheduled for release this month, has been shelved indefinitely. Instead, a true sequel starring Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd will be rushed into production, with hopes for a 2017 release date. In the sequel, the Ghostbusters mantle will be passed on to the rightful heirs: Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Channing Tatum, and a black one. Looking forward to it!
Brendan Dassey and Steven Avery will be immediately released from prison. Yeah, bet you forgot you asked for that, didn’t you? It’s ok, we all get swept up in the whirlwind of a cultural zeitgeist now and again. Either way, those two backwoods Wisconsians will be free to roam the streets once again. Let’s hope they aren’t the murderer/rapists their government deemed them to be!
Betty White will co-host next year’s Oscars with Deadpool.
Much to Harrison Ford’s chagrin, Han Solo will be inexplicably resurrected in Star Wars: Episode 8. Let’s say they found a, um, life crystal on Dagobah or something. To be honest, Star Wars as a whole is going to become kind of a mess over the next few years. Apparently a significant portion of the population has been “shipping” Chewbacca and Rey, so we’ve got some really troubling interspecies romance heading our way. Also, Batman is in it now.
Starting next year we will have 16 new James Bonds, including Idris Elba, Gillian Anderson, John Cho, Pierce Brosnan again, and, sigh, Tony Danza. Juggling all of these Bonds will be no easy task for the recently appointed director, Christopher Nolan, to pull off, but we’re sure he’ll find a way to appease every corner of the internet. Maybe he can do an I’m Not There type thing with the iconic agent. That’s not for you to worry about, internet! You just make the unrealistic demands and leave it to the artists figure out the logistics!
Firefly, Futurama, Deadwood, and Buffy will all be getting new seasons, and The Big Bang Theory will be canceled in June, with the final episode featuring Johnny Galecki’s character being disemboweled and eaten by wolves. Sorry Johnny, there are some freaks out there.
More true crime stuff: Adnan has been released, and Season 3 of Serial will be better than Season 2. Also, the Italian-sounding MailChimp guy is getting his own spinoff podcast, called Monkeying Around With the MailChimp Guy. Jesus Christ.
The Confederate flag will be going back up over the South Carolina State House, but it will now be accompanied by a flag featuring the Hamburglar smoking a joint. Thanks, Reddit.
Uh, let’s see, what else do we have here. Oh, the President will kiss a platypus’s ass on live TV. Guy Fieri has to wear a diaper on the outside of his pants from now on. The “I Like Turtles” kid is an ambassador now. Asparagus doesn’t exist anymore. The word “moist” has been removed from the dictionary. Smash Mouth’s “All Star” is our new national anthem.
Ok, we think that’s most of the big ones. Any petitions generated in the next three weeks will also be subject to approval, so get your fantasies online ASAP! Remember, what is the government if not a magic genie designed to grant your most inane and nonsensical wishes. Thanks for reading! Happy Oscar Isaac Appreciation Day!