Corrected an issue where two people going opposite ways would walk towards each other along the same path. Now one will be granted the sweet release of death, via immediate dematerialization.
Removed phone calls.
Added bees to swarm those who insist on opening doors for others.
Decreased the number of distant relatives seeking attention over the holidays, by like half.
Fixed a bug that produced strangers assaulting others with small talk during various forms of public transit. Now a sedative shall be administered via smartphone when triggered by an individual’s impulse to harass with inquiries about the weather.
Removed bank tellers, waitpersons, cashiers, clerks, secretaries, and other such needless positions. Added kiosks, conveyor belts, and smartphones, where appropriate.
Birthdays will now be observed alone and in silence.
Added hydrocodone spritzers to all door handles to reinforce a calm and relaxed public.
Corrected an issue in which people were to unwrap and react to gifts in front of others. A split in the space-time-continuum will now hyper-condense these moments, making such interactions exist in mere nanoseconds, rendering it unmemorable.
Added AI programs to negotiate all romantic and sexual interactions, assuring consent and efficiency for all parties involved.
Removed group projects.
Deleted high-profile individuals with dangerous levels of high energy or positivity, such as but not limited to: Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Obama, Ellen DeGeneres, Bernie Sanders, and Pope Francis. Also children.
Fixed several errors that created an archaic system of education, healthcare, and governance. Now there literally is an app for everything.
Puppies and kittens now have depression, decreasing their drive to chaotically romp in joy and increasing cuddle time.