Mr. Niinistö,

You have recently won a historic, landslide presidential re-election victory, with 62.7% of the vote in the Republic of Finland. But you are #NotMyPresident!

What have you ever accomplished? Presided over a peaceful, prosperous, Nordic nation for six years? Expressed respect and concern even for your opponents and for the disaffected farm-born youths of Finland? All while failing to invade even a single country? Pathetic. For these reasons, plus the fact that The Republic of Finland has absolutely no geopolitical authority over my home state of Texas, you, sir, are most definitely #NotMyPresident.

Apparently, winning in a landslide and capturing the admiration of your country wasn’t enough. You went and blew it all by saying: “I am very surprised at this kind of support. I must think hard how to be worthy of it.” That kind of humility is, quite frankly, unbefitting of the highest politician in the republic, Mr. Niinistö.

A president should be bold, reckless, and full of arrogant certainty. When you said, “I have no intention of making changes just for the sake of making changes,” I vomited, sir. What we need, desperately, is a daredevil who makes wild changes precisely just for the sake of making changes — a daredevil for whom I can legally cast a vote.

Why write this letter, you ask? I had a poor experience at a local branch of your shoe store, The Finish Line. I found your return policy to be appalling — 45 days!? I ask that you personally repeal this draconian, anti-American shoe return policy.

Will you cowboy up and smash the status quo? I doubt it, for my cursory, web-based research uncovered a thing or two about your character. In 2004, you were in Khao Lak, Thailand when the Sumatra–Andaman earthquake unleashed a Tsunami that brutalized thousands. Did you rally the locals and counter-attack this tsunami? No. You climbed a utility pole with your son Matias and hid in the air.

You have learned, first-hand, how menacing these tsunamis can be, and yet, even now, possessing all 486 deployed troops of the Finnish Defense Force, you have never had any tsunami indefinitely detained, waterboarded, or deported. Sir, how can I trust you to govern me and my people when you are so very restrained and sane and kind — and so very located in a strange, alien nation that eats reindeer?

I do not want to live in your world, Mr. Niinistö. I want a world free of modesty and self-reflection. I want a world where elections terrify us. I want a world where we put our common humanity aside and place our faith in a divisive demagogue. And where we can return our shoes without a box, a receipt, or an oppressive six-week return window. You fail to embody these ideals at all. Also, you fail to live within the borders of my country. Could you ever, perched up there in your mighty igloo palace in Helsinki, represent me in the least?

I don’t claim to have all the answers, or even a solid understanding of history, geography, moral philosophy, or basic civics. But I do know this: I have never visited Finland. I do not speak Finnish — your language is called “Finnish,” right? And I have no intention of ever residing within one-thousand miles of Finland. Therefore, you are #NotMyPresident.

Alex Baia
Austin, Texas

p.s. If you would grow some balls and bomb Sweden, I might reconsider. #NoPromisesThough