This message is for you, My Deep Fear That My Girlfriend Will Be Really Fat Later in Life, because I think it is something you need to address now. You get the inkling that your beautiful, Rubenesque girlfriend will blow up after grinding out a decade of those twelve-hour days at the law firm. That she won’t find the time or the desire to keep fit, because, you are aware, she certainly doesn’t now. And after a few kids … shit, you’ve seen Springer. Your fear is inherent in any modern man-child who was raised with beautiful sitcom moms: Phylicia Rashad, Meredith Baxter Birney, Clarissa’s mom. Your ideal mate is a mix of generous wisdom and sublime humor, and stays a size 6 after popping out five kids.

You realize you are a thin man. Taller than her, yes, by a few inches, but slender. You have never had any semblance of pecs, shoulders, or “ripped” anything. But the fact is, you love your girlfriend. And you love her shapely curves and voluptuous ass. It made you realize more cushion is good for the pushin’. But still, you are scared. You are a scared little child. A small, thin child being scared by a woman, a round woman with fat arms, the kind of crotch that bulges outward in jeans, and weird skin hanging over her knees like heavy jowls.

What will the children be like? If God does indeed punish us for our sins, he will no doubt bless little Sally with your flat, stringy upper body and our girlfriend’s wide ass and thick thighs. And young Bobby … he will have his own demons to face with that ambiguous neck fat, floating above his shoulders like warm icing on a lemon meringue pie.

My Deep Fear That My Girlfriend Will Be Really Fat Later in Life, I think you need to remember that true love is blind, though you’ve always suspected that to be bullshit. Instead, remember this: Fat-Bottom Girls Make the Rockin’ World Go ’Round.

Kenneth Smith
Berkeley, CA