Dear Eyebrows,

How did we get here? When I looked at you in the mirror a few minutes ago in the men’s room, I barely recognized you, your untamed strands pointing in every direction but the proper one. Have I ignored you so long that you felt you needed to give me some sort of wake-up call? Has my treatment of you been so shabby that you felt the only way to get back at me was to be so unruly, so out of line, so … blond? I mean, I haven’t been blond in, like, 15 years. The rest of the hair has moved on from blond, to that sandy brownish color, and now, slowly but steadily, to gray. Not you. Not only have you steadfastly refused to follow along with the graying process (for which I’m somewhat grateful, I suppose), but you’ve carried it to an extreme, don’t you think?

Look, I know you’re jealous of the beard. It came in red, and there’s nothing I can do about that. I know it hurts your feelings when people call me a redhead, because you and I both know that they’re only looking at the beard. But this is getting ridiculous, you growing in all different directions, refusing to stay straightened out, and lightening into what looks like bad-home-dye-job blond. Is that what you want? Do you want people to think that I’ve dyed my hair this nondescript blondish reddish brown and that you’re telling my secret? Or is it worse than that? Do you actually believe that people will think I’ve dyed you and not the hair?

Since I cannot divine your motives, I’m writing now to ask a favor. I will respect your decision with regard to color, whatever it is. Should you decide to hop on the gray bandwagon, I will support and accept you. But please, please, allow yourself to be straightened out and stay that way. We’re only 37 years old; we can’t have that bushy Andy Rooney look just yet. I promise that once we get older, and my (sorry, our) career is more stable, you can go whatever direction you choose. But for now, I’m afraid this is the way it has to be. I don’t want it to come this, but I found the #3 guide for the hair trimmer, and if I have to use it before my job interview next week, I will.

Best Regards,

Don Moorhead
Evanston, IL