[Originally published November 13, 2013.]
Dear Paleo Diet Enthusiasts,
The thing is, we just don’t care about what you eat, or why. And we’re tired of your pseudo-science rationalization of why this new diet is the best thing you’ve ever done. But what’s really ridiculous is how presumptuous it is of you to assume you know what our hunter-gatherer ancestors ate way back in the Stone Age. What do you really even know about the Stone Age? Have you even thought about it since fifth grade? It was a hard life back then. Just to survive was a real challenge. Apparently, language was pretty new, and yet you think they had time to make kale chips and bake with coconut flour. Amazing.
There is one thing that would impress me about the Paleo Diet, and that’s if you went full on. Like, move into a cave and start hunting your meat and gathering your vegetables. Go on, hunt some big game with a bow and arrow. Prepare your meat without the benefit of running water and antibacterial soap. Carve your own knife that’s sharp enough to cut through bone. Let’s see the best loincloth you can make without a sewing machine or thread or a fucking needle. I’d like to see you harvest all of your own produce every day, without your car or a shopping cart or any twist ties or rubber bands. Remember, no refrigerators allowed. Let’s see you prepare all of your delicious Paleo salads without running water or multiple knives or a vegetable peeler. Just get so immersed in the Stone Age lifestyle that you remember what a fucking miracle it is to have fire. Really, idealizing the diet of a people whose life was so much harder than yours, and then trying to emulate their diet without trying to live their life, I mean, come on, don’t you hate yourself just a little?
Let’s take a step away from your psychotically narcissistic sense of how important your food is to remember what it was like when you didn’t care what you ate. Before you knew what quinoa was, before you started the cleanses, before the flax and chia seeds invaded your body, heck, even before you started drinking coconut water. Remember how easy it was to just eat food like the rest of us? Just get the salad bar, no one cares as long as we don’t have to hear about how much better you are than everyone else. These days it seems like you can’t even travel without your blender. Really? Why don’t you bust out your mortar and pestle and start from there, Paleo worshiper. And forget the CrossFit, just forget it. Try walking around the plains to gather that fresh healthy food instead. Do you see why we’re annoyed yet?
We, the non-Paleo world, would really love it if you would just keep your food preferences to yourself and stop making such a fuss. Don’t preach, don’t pester, don’t try to educate, don’t share your fucking thesis about all the toxins in our bodies, just eat your food and shut up. There is so much more to talk about than food. Are we clear?