Despite our nearly thirteen-year age difference, I think we can make this work with minimal compromise on your part. I am open to liking Britney Spears and the new breed of action movie starring converted wrestlers and Mr. Clean look-alikes. Yes, Heller is hell, Anne Rice can really spin a vampire saga, MTV should be running continuously at maximum volume, and, while passé, TRL must be watched religiously. You are a beautiful, beautiful girl and I will shave my stomach. However, in the event you don’t call (maybe my four other messages will be accidentally deleted too), I want to thank you for a profound realization you have given me. After three failed long-term relationships and numerous other flings, I now know that I have learned absolutely nothing about subjugating my superficial urges. So call me sometime—I’m available for long-term torture.

Sincerely yours,
John Pecod