In this column, Kimberly Harrington shares updates on some of literature’s, film’s, and television’s more problematic men. Because even the fictional ones feel entitled to redemption.
“John Lasseter has begun to put his stamp on Skydance Animation amid signs he may face resistance as he attempts to turn David Ellison’s animation unit into a major player. Emma Thompson, who had not yet begun recording one of the voice roles in its upcoming animated feature Luck, has quietly left the project because of concerns about working with Lasseter.” — The Hollywood Reporter, 2/19/19
We’re a new animation studio unlike any other animation studio. We’re Skydance. We’re like Sundance but for cartoons and without Robert Redford. We also love nepotism! We’re men helping men because who’s even helping men anymore? We stand up for bosses and boss-like people who are always men and like to boss people around and are sometimes a little grabby in the boob region. So in that way we’re like all studios. But we are also different. Hey anyway, remember how in Monsters, Inc. energy was generated by inciting terror? Okay, well, we’re really going to double down on that with our forthcoming slate of animated features. We will incite lots of terror. But in a fun animated way! Also just want to point out that the sky is much bigger than the sun.
Toy Story 5: Hawaiian Revenge
Well, Woody certainly seems like an ironic name now, doesn’t it? Or does it? What even is irony? Is that something feminists like? Then we’re against it! Anyway, who could be afraid of Woody’s long lost cousin, Johnny? Why, Johnny’s just a big overgrown boy who likes to hug and kiss fairies while surrounded by all his girl toys! He loves Hawaiian shirts and smiling with his mouth wide open in publicity photos like wocka wocka wocka! Will the stupid girl toys with their big non-shutting-up mouths steal Johnny’s wide open smile forever? What are they doing with his Hawaiian shirts collection? Do they really want to set off the Hawaiian God of Verbal Abuse or The Curse of The You’re No Longer Directing the Movie You Wrote Based on Your Actual Daughter? Will all the girl toys die in a luau fire? Haha, of course they will!
Even though he should’ve known to “not touch the boat,” Brett-Brett and his pals Glug-Glug and Mr. Party Pants search far and wide for their pal Squi along with their memories. And wouldn’t you know it, all their memories are conveniently located right here in this calendar. Nice try, Ms. Long Memory and her sidekick PTSD. These great buddies go on adventure after adventure otherwise remembering nothing and liking it that way. Fighting sharks, giant jellyfish, and a general sense of consequences with his Man Tears and Super Strong Shut-Up Spray, Brett-Brett finally overwhelms Ms. Long Memory and PTSD. Brett-Brett is now in charge of the consequences of spawning for female fish. Boy fish can still do whatever they want! Three cheers for Brett-Brett! Ms. Long Memory dies a thousand fiery public deaths while her sidekick PTSD just seems to get re-triggered from the dead over and over and over again.
Monsters Inc 3: The Mourning Show
Matt the 4-Handed Button Monster embarks on a forced adventure around the world. He just won’t quit (he was fired) as he searches the globe for a magical desk button like the one he used to have before Tattle Tale Monsters with super hot bodies stole it from him. Will he find a new, better magical desk button? Will he ironically interview Bill O’Monster just to kill time before he gets forced to go on his adventure? Will he ever again experience the joys of sampling crockpot dinners at 8 a.m.? Watch out Tattle Tale Monsters, you’re about to die in a monster fire!
Ratatouille 2: Back to the Kitchen
Remy’s cousin Mario moves from Paris to Montreal to get a fresh start after lying girl rats threaten to upend his life. In between protectively spooning his kitchen staff (for warmth! Montreal is very cold!), trafficking in generally ratty innuendo, and very closely whispering recipes into the ear of Chef Goop (it’s work related!) he toils relentlessly to perfect his cinnamon roll recipe, which he plans to serve paired with insincere apologies. All the girl rats die in a tragic kitchen fire.
Look everyone, it’s Louis! He is rising up, up, and up, carried aloft by fake feminism, superficial humanity, and assumed menschiness. But, ugh, here come the girls to pop his balloons. Again. Why can’t they just watch him play with his balloons and leave well enough alone? Just too much to ask, we guess! But that won’t keep Louis down. He’s rich, he’s white, and he’s just gonna own it. His inflated ego and not-at-all-believable fist-shaking carry a whole town aloft into the sky, before it bursts into flames and crashes down on every girl who ever opened her big fat mouth about his balloons. They all recover and go on to live long, full, and successful lives. Just kidding, all the girls die in the fiery house crash.
Monsters University 4: The Squeals On the Bus
Let’s follow Billy, King Chuckle Monster, as he rides bus after bus. But where are all these buses going? Turns out they’re on an express route to Hot Monster Town. Who else is on the bus? Why, it’s Donny the Pear-Shaped Chicken and seven Chuckle Monsters. Let’s listen in as Donny the Pear-Shaped Chicken talks about all the things he can do to the Hot Monsters even though he is a Pear-Shaped Chicken. Let’s watch as Billy, King Chuckle Monster, and, again, no fewer than seven additional Chuckle Monsters do absolutely nothing but chuckle at Donny the Pear-Shaped Chicken. What fun! What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like a pear-shaped chicken will ever be in charge of anything aside from everything! Whoops, all the Hot Monsters die in a fiery bus crash!