That big promotion you’ve been hoping for will go to the coworker you most despise! Congratulate her, knowing full well that your words won’t make her happy. Or maybe they will. Either nobody is happy or everybody is happy but you. Your lucky number today is zero.


Today you will face a financial challenge after you roll out of bed at 3 p.m. Be on the lookout for job opportunities, and watch them pass you by because you’re too paralyzed to even speak. Your lucky color today is dark gray.


Watch out, today you will offend all of your closest friends. Don’t worry too much about it: it isn’t for any stupid reason—like you said you don’t like their new haircuts—it’s because you refuse to leave your house, and when you do, you often get so drunk you can’t speak. Your love match today is a Prozac under Capricorn.


Today, you’ll just miss getting through the yellow light before the drawbridge goes up for three yachts full of happy people drinking Mai Tais. This clearly has no significant meaning, but watch for all the feelings of existential uncertainty associated with this loaded metaphor that literally pops up and looms before your eyes in sparkling sparkles. Today your lucky ocean was devastated by an oil spill.


You’ll feel a rush of warmth and energy today that’ll enable you to finally finish that creative project you’ve put off. This is because you accidentally took two doses and are in the grips of serotonin syndrome. Seek medical help immediately. Today, your lucky psychiatrist will put his hand on your knee while showing you photos of his daughter.


Today you will decide, in a flash of motivation, you need a hobby, like knitting or rock climbing. By the end of the day, your hobby is reading the last statements of Texas death-row inmates and then drafting your own. Today your lucky inmate cursed his own mother five minutes before he died.


Oh boy! Today’s the day you get an online dating account to escape the two-year-long singlehood you’ve endured due to your crippling awkwardness and chronic eye twitch. Skipping over profiles of quirky girls and laid-back men, you instead enter “depression” into the search function. The good news is you’re not alone! The bad news is you’re still alone. Your lucky match today is xxJuggaloChickaxx—send her a message!


Haha, today you spend your day lurking on the outskirts of the self-help section, waiting for the study group at the adjacent table to disperse. They don’t, so by the end of the day you’ve memorized Eat Pray Love and are no closer to finding Mindfulness Through Depression. Your lucky time-waster today is your ability to judge yourself before others even think to!


Your high point today is finding that someone has left a half-full glass of wine at the table next to you, and your low point is drinking it. Environmentalism, you tell yourself. You don’t want to waste a thing. Your lucky carbon footprint today doesn’t exist, and maybe you don’t either.


Your increased dose has erased your memory and your sex drive. You thought you had at least another decade of both those things. Now you can’t please your wife or find your wallet. Your lucky color for today is where is my wallet, I can’t find my wallet, please don’t leave me Sharon, we can make this work.


The mystery of whether your acne resurgence is due to your recently increased dosage or the fact that you haven’t washed your pillow case in weeks is finally solved: it’s both. November is the month that brings you closer to death. This publication regrets that it is reusing the descriptor for October. We also regret that it is still true, for all of us.