1. Snow-covered hills are:
A) The responsibility of the tenant. All maintenance under $25 is to be performed by the occupant, and last I checked, Ice Melt was $24.99 a bucket.
B) The perfect place to check my hair.
2. You look up and see a mirror. You think:
A) No anchoring hardware or alterations permitted on ceilings. That’s coming out of their security deposit.
B) What is love?
3. What’s your opinion on children?
A) The long-term rental property I’ve filled with air mattresses and illegally listed on Airbnb for $300 a night does not allow kids.
B) Definitely aging. Potentially bolder.
4. What’s something you might sail through?
A) Eviction proceedings. No job? No excuse.
B) Changing ocean tides, metaphorically. Specifically, a metaphor for my relationship troubles with Lindsey Buckingham, as well as my financial troubles, which are leading me to consider returning to school.
5. How do you handle the seasons?
A) No central AC. No AC units allowed. No space heaters within 20 feet of a wall. If it gets too cold, close a window. If it gets too hot, open a window. If the window doesn’t open, that’s on you; the lease specifies windows do not reopen. There is a $200 window breakage fee for tenants trapped inside their rapidly-heating home.
B) Mmm mmm mmm mmm
6. You’re afraid of:
A) Tenant’s rights
B) Changing. Well, you were afraid of it, but not anymore.
7. What have you built?
A) Well, I use unlicensed contractors for all my work, so physically nothing, but fiscally I’ve built incredible equity.
B) My life around you: Lindsey Buckingham
8. Land is ___________.
A) a product you own, and owning it makes you money. You deserve this money because you were smart enough to have enough money to own land.
Mostly As: Congratulations! You are a landlord. You own a building and people pay you to live in it, because if they didn’t, they would have nowhere to live. This seems fair to you. You feast richly on the picked-over bones of the working class.
Mostly Bs: You are Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide,” a perfect three minutes and eighteen seconds. You exist because the heart of the universe knew the only way to reach humankind was through the mouth of Stevie Nicks.
Equal As and Bs: You are the Dixie Chicks cover of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide.”