Students, Faculty, and Staff:

As you may already know, the university is searching for ways to restructure in the wake of funding losses from the ongoing COVID-19 crisis. We have meticulously examined the current budget to evaluate what departments are viable, and which ones we could frankly do without (we’re looking at you, Medieval Studies). In order to survive, we must trim where necessary and invest our resources into sustainable programs.

In other words: we’re tearing it down for the scrap metal.

For too long, we have squandered money on the learning that goes on within these walls without considering where our real wealth lies — in the copper-rich innards lying just beneath the layers of plaster and lead paint. We’ve spent a considerable portion of our dwindling funds on a team of financial analysts who assured us that ripping ferrous metals from the already-crumbling infrastructure of our libraries and residence halls is a more economically prudent decision than maintaining the History or Communications departments.

We realize this may be a disappointment to students who came to our college for the educational opportunities, and not the prospect of dismantling buildings and removing asbestos. We encourage you to adapt to the changes, and have faith that the university is making a decision that will benefit everyone in the long run. This crucial training will give students and outgoing faculty much-needed skills that will prepare them for future careers in the metal recycling industry.

Please be aware that we have carefully evaluated several options, including administrative pay cuts and tapping into the school’s considerable endowment fund. We ultimately arrived at the conclusion that these would be stop-gap solutions, and would not provide the same level of economic relief as immediately dissolving the Chemistry department so we can harvest brass from the numerous sink fixtures.

On a positive note, we were able to retain our Division I sports designation. Tickets will be half-off for currently enrolled students, so come cheer on the basketball team after a long day of hauling rebars across town in your secondhand Civic.

Thank you for your patience as we move into the next phases of our plan. And as always, we are grateful to receive donations from alumni who are able to offer their financial support.

The Chancellor