Thank you for having me on. I’m a huge fan of your show. I appreciate the opportunity to steer all discussion toward mentions of my book.

Hmm, that first question was not specifically about my book, which makes me worried that this is going to be one of those things where we “have a conversation” instead of “constantly shill my book.”

Speaking of my book, which you weren’t, my publisher said I need to shoehorn references to it into this interview, even if it brings the discussion to a screeching halt. I’m on shaky ground with them because of what a nightmare I was to my editor. I took every cut personally and sent aggressive emails late into the night. If my book doesn’t sell a ton, I’m toast. As I lay out in my book, my back is slick with shame-sweat. After the interview, I’ll have to switch shirts.

Wow, that’s an interesting point, one that has nothing to do with my book. Though I won’t say so, this enrages me. My pleasant demeanor is a mask, covering a roiling sea of resentment that you are trying to conduct an interview not singularly focused on the hawking of my book. As I mention in my book, I just jammed in a mention of my book. I gots mine, and it’s taking everything in me not to straight up pump my fist.

One of the most surprising things when I began writing this book was that you did not ask anything that would prompt me to say this sentence. It’s a revelation how shameless I am.

I hope that the mentions of my book feel subtle and organic, although I’m pretty sure I’m coming off as gross. As an author mired in student loan debt, I’m afraid my book will fail, and I’ll have to go back to selling pics of my feet on the dark web.

It’s either promote my book or promote my bunions.

Peddling my book is why I donned my one rumpled suit to do this interview, and I flinch each time you even slightly switch gears. Yet you still just shifted the discussion to a subject that, while in my general area of expertise, is not explicitly about my book. Nice try, fuckface. I am verbally yanking the wheel and pulling a U-turn right back onto the topic of my book.

Speaking of, my book.

You see, this is an unspoken conflict between the interviewer and the interviewee. On the battlefield of your modestly successful program, we wage verbal combat in dulcet tones. Beneath the facade of courtesy is a brutal push and pull between our warring interests. And I mean to win this, no matter the cost to your reputation as a host people respect.

Apropos of nothing, I’d like to make an insultingly shaky connection between my book and what you just said. You see, you just spoke words, and my book has words. So, in that sense, I like money, which is why I’m here. While I’ve cloaked this appearance in a selfless desire to speak on an issue of importance to your listeners, in actuality, I’m a hungry piggy looking to wet my beak with their dollars. And yes, I’m aware pigs don’t have beaks. In my book, I delve into all the animals and the face parts they have.

In many ways, this was the goal of my book. What was? I don’t know. I didn’t expect you to ask a follow-up. Every word I’ve said today besides “my book” is filler designed to shroud my mercenary intent.

This was a pleasure. I disgust myself.

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And we just have to mention that you can preorder frequent McSweeney’s contributor Evan Waite’s funny new book, Life Wants You Dead, here.