1. “You are so beautiful, and so smart!”

2. “It is literally impossible to be a woman!”

3. “It kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough!”

4. “I would literally commit murder for seven Cheesy Gordita Crunches from Taco Bell right now.”

5. “You can never say you want to be thin!”

6. “You can’t ask for money, because that’s crass!”

7. “You can’t squash other people’s ideas!”

8. “I’m having a blast, but… I wish it were a Baja Blast.”

9. “Don’t talk about your kids all the damn time!”

10. “Never forget that the system is rigged!”

11. “Always be looking out for other people!”

12. “Would you rather never be able to drink vodka sodas again or have hands made of Doritos Locos Tacos?”

13. “You’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood!”

14. “Never get old!”

15. “Never fall down!”

16. “Never get out of line!”

17. “Never text him! Unless he’ll take us through the TB drive-thru.”

18. “It’s too hard!”

19. “Also, everything is your fault!”

20. “OMG, your lipstick is so beautiful—it looks like the inside of a Mild Sauce packet.”

21. “No, literally everyone calls me Taco Bell Barbie.”

22. “I’m just so tired of watching myself!”

23. “I don’t even know!”

24. “Society tells us Taco Bell is bad, but we don’t talk enough about how it’s one of America’s top contraceptives. You don’t need a Plan B when, digestively speaking, Taco Bell is your Plan A. Oh, hey, girl—you’ve got an entire roll of toilet paper stuck to your heel.”

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Line from the Barbie Monologue: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 22, 23
Me a Little Drunk in the Bar Bathroom: 1–24