“Baby names inspired by ‘Game of Thrones’ are rising in popularity.”
— The New York Times
Tyrion Lannister drinks and he knows things; Tyrion Smith drinks and he ruins things, mostly on account of the drinking. The former advised Daenerys Targaryen; the latter advises his Dungeons & Dragons group. His group rarely listens, though, because Tyrion Smith isn’t clever, he’s always drinking, and, like Tyrion Lannister, he’s always making weird jokes about brothels.
Melisandre Brown finds magic in the darkest of places. When she’s out of matches, she uses the flame from her gas stove to light her candles. When she’s out of soap, she runs her clothes through the dryer with, like, five scented dryer sheets. Melisandre Brown uses olive oil to moisturize her elbows. She hung her air plant with a shoelace. In short, Melisandre Brown desperately needs to go to Target.
Named after Arya Stark, a ruthless warrior who joined an assassins’ guild when she was 14 and killed Death when she was 17, Arya Thompson shows bravery in her own right. For instance, when Arya Thompson sees someone she knows on the train, she quickly puts on sunglasses, a scarf that covers everything below her nose, and an old I ♥NEW YORK beanie that she carries for emergencies. Before anybody sees her, Arya Thompson becomes Nobody — and she sure as hell doesn’t get looped into grabbing drinks with Dan from her freshman year kickball team.
Samwell Tarley is famous for reading any book he can get his hands on, and for curing the fatal skin disease known as Greyscale. Samwell Frankie exclusively reads BuzzFeed lists, and he doesn’t even bother putting lotion on his dry, cracked, hands. When winter comes, they bleed, and it’s super gross. Not surprisingly, Samwell Frankie has made no headway in curing his own personal strain of loneliness.
Sansa Stark is the Lady of Winterfell and unofficial Queen in the North. Sansa Mollins’ defining personality trait is that her feet are always cold. Sure, her little sister thinks she’s a genius, but if Sansa Mollins is so smart, how come she locks herself out of her apartment on a weekly basis? C’mon, Sans. Just stash a spare in one of your many UGGs.
Tormund Giantsbane: bane of giants. Tormund Gilbert: bane of aggressive marketing departments. If you send him an unsolicited email, a direct mailer, or (gods forbid) stick a menu in his door, he will hunt you down with a fury that would even make Brienne of Tarth shudder. Like his namesake, everyone’s always surprised that this guy hasn’t gotten himself killed yet, because marketing professionals are nothing if not merciless.
Look, Joffrey Miller can be kind of a dick, but he’s no sadist. He’s never disemboweled anyone, and he only ever pointed a crossbow at someone at a renaissance fair, as a goof. He’s just really bad at Venmoing people when he says he’s going to Venmo them, and he wears a lot of Supreme. (Alright, maybe he is a tyrant?)
Daenerys Williams of the House of Alpha Chi at DePaul University, the First of Her Name to Opt for the Mimosa Carafe Without Consulting the Rest of the Table, Queen of Birkenstock Sandals, Lady of the Seventh-Inning Stretch While Day Drunk at a White Sox Game and Protector of the Skin with SPF 50, Lady of Defensive Driving 101, Queen of Subtweeting, the Unburnt (Because of Her SPF 50), Breaker of Thursday Night Plans and Mother of Nobody, Much to the Dismay of Her Mother.
Works in HR. Rarely stays past four.