If you are female, drink one shot immediately. Underrepresented minority: one shot. Both: three shots, because intersectionality. Each shot will help you lower your expectations for fairness before you read through the comments.
Drink if someone complained about mysterious course policies that were clearly explained on the syllabus.
Drink if your “enthusiasm” score is your highest metric. Even the students who thought you sucked admit that you are excited to be there and/or like your job.
If students note that you are arrogant (such as being knowledgeable in your field, as a Ph.D. in might suggest), drink.
Drink if students compare you to a pop culture figure who has a vaguely similar ethnicity.
If your department or college emailed you to discuss your evaluations, which were “below departmental average,” call out sick and head to the liquor store for a re-stock. Because at Lake Woebegone University, everyone should teach above average.
Drink if students recommended a study guide. By “study guide,” they mean “the exact questions you will ask on the exam.”
If students mention that you were “political” when discussing topics such as racism, climate science, or immigration, drink. Actually, just go ahead and pour yourself another drink.
Drink if anyone commented that they didn’t do well on exams, but also didn’t attend class because it took too much time and they were too busy.
If students comment on your appearance, drink. It does not matter if the comments are positive or negative.
If students complained that the course had too much science, and “science” was in the title of the course, drink.
Finish off your drink and pour yourself another if you were assured that course evaluations would not be used for reappointment, promotion, and tenure decisions, yet they comprise >50% of your dossier. If you’re an adjunct, or non-tenure-track, go ahead and finish off the bottle.