Sometimes it feels like the things we learned in school are useless (especially considering they could have been teaching us to do taxes or pick good romantic partners), and nothing drives that point home more than the countless math rules that do not apply to our real adult lives. In fact, when you graph the number of mathematical principles that disappoint us over time, it’s a monotonically increasing line. Like all other things in life.
1. 5’7” > 5’9,” but only on Hinge (because at least 5’7” is honest).
2. Thanks to COVID, everyone now understands that describing yourself as positive on a dating app is a negative, but to be honest, it’s always been annoying.
3. A pizza can be evenly divided into eight slices, but it’s only meant to serve two. Or one. Your target weight is just a number, and some numbers aren’t even real. Or rational!
4. There are no perfect numbers. They’re all annoying, especially when you’re the one who got stuck dividing up the check at a group dinner again.
5. You may have been taught that the average is the mean when, in fact, it’s usually the really hot or rich ones that are mean.
6. Subtracting things doesn’t always make them smaller. For example, when I subtracted shaving from my schedule, that gnawing feeling that I will die alone got exponentially bigger.
7. To find out if a number is divisible by three, you don’t have to add up all the digits in the number. You can just use Google.
8. On the subject of angles, Acute angles can be more than 90 degrees. I look cute from all angles. Obtuse doesn’t mean more than 90 degrees; it means you don’t believe in wearing masks. Straight angles are exactly 180 degrees — but is anyone truly exactly 180 degrees?
9. The sum of the interior of a triangle isn’t 180 degrees; it’s 20 degrees below zero when you’re the one being shut out of the throuple.
10. You can’t just multiply by zero to cancel everything out. Racism, for example, you have to subtract.
11. The butterfly method isn’t to compare fractions. It’s a sex thing. I won’t explain.
12. Cubing things doesn’t increase their volume — this isn’t enough cheese. There is never enough cheese.
13. And when you get to the root of it, being a square doesn’t mean you have more to offer. It just makes you very, very boring.
14. Items contained within parenthesis are afterthoughts and do not come first (no matter how much your boyfriend wants to make a big deal of that micropenis comment you MEANT AS A JOKE).
15. Don’t solve for your X. They need to figure it out on their own.
16. The Pythagorean theorem… actually, I have no idea what this is. But Pythagoras sounds hot. Call me, you Greek God, you.
17. A negative times a negative does not equal a positive. It equals an ugly divorce.
18. A positive times a positive also isn’t positive. It equals a couple with a joint Instagram account that posts inspirational quotes. And no, you don’t think their kid is cute, especially after the baby content started replacing the dog content.
19. But who can afford kids? Unless the absolute value is the only relevant measure of net worth, in which case the government owes me money for my student loan debt. And don’t even get me started on the cost of healthcare, which could not be more relevant right now. Because the probability of getting COVID is not the frequency of COVID divided by the total population. It mainly depends on whether or not you and the people around you are wearing masks. But it’s worth noting that percentages can be higher than 100. For example, I’m 700% sure the government is racist and sexist and only looking out for the 1% and does not care about the cost of anything. As I was saying, who can afford kids?
NOTE: There are some exceptions where math rules do apply IRL. For example, in division, the top does go into the bottom, pending the bottom’s consent, of course. Actually, that’s the only one.