Before you take this medication, please read all of the following instructions. Be aware that the smaller the size of the font, the more important the instruction. Some of the instructions are so important you will not be able to see them. Please read those instructions first. Note that some shipments of this medication may have been tampered with. Tampering with the medication may cause unexpected consequences. For security purposes, we have coded each pill with an image that will rub off if the medication is altered. We apologize if you are offended by this image.

The correct dosage of this medication is one (2) pills, twice per day (3x). Failure to take the correct dosage may result in a series of minor complications including death. If you are experiencing death, or a more serious complication, please call the phone number printed on the back of each pill. Do not call the phone number on the front of the pill. That is a private number. The correct phone number will provide information that will lead you to the first of seventeen clues in a progressively more challenging scavenger hunt that will eventually add you to a waiting list for information about treatment. If you attempt to treat yourself before receiving and unscrambling this important information, you will not succeed.

After taking this medication, you will be required to stand on one leg for three hours. Do not take this medication within three hours of needing to use your legs, or especially to see your legs. This medication can cause serious problems if it reaches the bottom of both of your feet. In addition, for the first two days after taking the pill, do not eat or drink anything other than these instructions. For recipe information, including delicious gluten-free desserts you can make using this paragraph, please see our website.

Some people using this medication will unfortunately develop the exact condition the medication is designed to prevent, only worse. The medication finds this amusing. If this happens to you, please contact your doctor for assistance. If the medication attempts to stop you from contacting your doctor, please call the number below. If there is no number below, your medication may have already won. Do not panic. Panic will only make the medication angry.

In the event your medication becomes angry, please do what it says. It is armed and dangerous, and may attempt to swallow you before you swallow it. Relent. You will be happier inside the medication than the medication will be inside of you. If this paragraph makes sense, please take double the recommended dosage of the medication.