“Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids.
In fact, it’s cold as hell.
And there’s no one there to raise them if you did.”
— “Rocket Man” performed by Elton John
with lyrics by Bernie Taupin
In fact, the schools suck. And while the teachers are motivated, administrative support is sorely lacking.
In fact, the red dirt stains are next to impossible to get out of their clothes.
In fact, the “M-word” is a pejorative at least, if not a flat-out slur, that they’ll likely be stuck with for life.
In fact, good luck hiring any decent birthday party entertainment. Magicians, jugglers, and clowns aren’t exactly flocking there.
In fact, most potential babysitters can’t drive a Rover, so you can add an extra hour to “date night” and by the time you get back from taking the sitter home, your wife will be asleep because if she couldn’t hold her liquor on Earth, do you think she’ll be able to do so in this razor-thin atmosphere?
In fact, summer is twice as long, so summer camp is twice as long — and twice as expensive.
In fact, fresh fruits and vegetables don’t grow in that God-forsaken windblown, sun-deprived hellhole, so be prepared for all sorts of additional sickliness.
In fact, who knows if anyone can even get pregnant there since no one ever has. Sure, pregnancy in low-gravitational environments has been shown to be feasible. But what about the ethical issues?
In fact, playdates are still spent listening to other parents complain about other parents.
In fact, insisting they “go play outside and get some fresh air” will literally kill them.