Well, we guess the cat’s out of the bag—or as we say around these parts, the door is off the plane: we have been sending aircraft into the sky that are not sky-worthy. Frankly, they’re barely ground-worthy. And you probably heard that the whistleblower who raised all those quality concerns has not at all suspiciously been found dead of a self-inflicted wound. Naturally, people have been asking for our response to these allegations that our planes aren’t safe and should be grounded.

Our response is: stop being a little bitch. We’ve got a new safety policy, and that policy is: fuck it, we ball.

Safety measures are exhausting and expensive. And do we even really need them? Planes basically never crash! Everybody needs to calm down and let loose, as loose as some of the screws on our airplanes. Other aircraft carriers won’t even let you roll down the window. We’re rawdogging the atmosphere. Get on board, or get the fuck out.

And yeah, we failed thirty-three out of eighty-nine audits by the FAA, which found dozens of problems during our manufacturing process. That’s because we’re not a bunch of fucking nerds who get worked up over “not being in compliance with quality-control requirements.” Passengers who care about narc shit like that just aren’t metal enough to handle our awesome planes. Oooh, did you want your plane to stay in one piece every single time you fly? Jesus Christ. If you’re gonna be such a pussy about it, go on Delta. They’re not flying our MAX variants at all, probably because they’re a bunch of weak-ass punks.

We didn’t get into the skyspace to play it safe. We’re here for a good time, not a long time. Sure, some of you are also here for a bad time; we’re looking at you, economy-minus flyers. But everybody else, we’re here to soar among the clouds and then possibly plummet, hard, toward the unforgiving surface of our doomed Earth.

We’re here for suspense. We’re here for thrills. We’re here to feel ALIVE, possibly while killing everyone on board. We’re here to get on a plane and not really know what will happen next. Will we get through takeoff and landing with all the plane parts still attached to the plane? Who can say for sure? Some of you aren’t interested in that kind of extreme experience. To those pathetic thumb-sucking dweebs, we say: If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room. You aren’t cut out for the sky life. You’re the reason Amtrak has a quiet car.

For everyone who can actually fucking hang, we’ll see you on our next flight. Just don’t bring your full-size shampoo, okay? It’s not TSA-approved.