Dear person whose email address I accidentally acquired because of an invitation to a cocktail party that wasn’t bcc’ed,

I have a book coming out! You might not have heard about it because these days book publicity is much more complicated than anyone knew. I’d love to send you a copy in hopes that you might consider featuring me on your TV program/radio show/blog/podcast/ Instagram/Facebook timeline.

I’m an author, so I’m always looking for opportunities to promote my books, but since the election of the Creamsicle Vulgarian I can’t pretend that things are normal. I unfriended my fifth grade boyfriend on Facebook because he voted for Jill Stein even though he once shared one of my articles and gave it two hands clapping. Or maybe it was two hands praying? But I wouldn’t feel comfortable sitting down for even an innocuous chat with anyone who isn’t #resist or #resistance.

I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable at a media outlet where climate change isn’t accepted science. So, climate denying outlets, you’re a no-go.

My family receives health insurance subsides through the ACA, so I can only talk to folks who support the ACA. Screw it, only those support single payer.

And you can’t be against Planned Parenthood. With funding under attack, now more than ever, I stand with Planned Parenthood so I can’t sit down with you if you don’t. I’m also requiring proof of current membership ‘cause Tangerine Man Baby was pro choice before he wasn’t, so I will need to see a pattern of continued support and current membership card.

Plus continued funding for PBS and NPR. That’s a no brainer. Kai Ryssdal, host of Marketplace, is my “freebie.”

Also, my interviewers must support Dodd-Frank, raising the minimum wage, and a two-state solution. They must be against the repeal of NAFTA, the Dakota pipeline, behind a filibuster on Gorsuch nomination, deeply concerned about the damage DeVos will do to public schools, intimately familiar with the emoluments clause, even though I only recently became so and supportive of the oxford comma that I just failed to employ when it would have made this sentence make sense.

I can’t meet with people who voted for Gary Johnson in 2106, or Ralph Nader back in 2000. Also, no Jenny McCarthy. Just no. For sure, people who don’t support transgender people’s right to use the bathroom of their choosing are verboten, but I can do programs with hosts who don’t like Caitlyn Jenner because she was deluded into thinking Prima Donald was going to stand by the LGBTQ community. People who are convinced that Melania was making a statement with her pussy bow are humanizing her in a way that can’t be tolerated, so I’ll have to review all Twitter feeds dating back to October 10th.

I can’t talk to anyone who was angry with Rachel Maddow because the two pages of Trump’s 2005 tax release wasn’t the bombshell they expected, or folks who re-tweeted memes about Kellyanne Conway on the Oval Office couch because that was borderline sexist, except for people who posted the version of her photoshopped into Andrew Wyeth’s Christina because if something is really, really, funny than it’s OK to be borderline sexist.

I’d also like to see photo of you at one of the recent marches or protests, I’m sure I don’t need to mention that rallies are not marches. If you have been arrested or detained, or pepper-sprayed, I’ll give you a priority booking date.

Also off of my list is anyone who uses the phrase “it’s all good” because it’s not and we can’t let our guard down for a second, even when referring to something like season six of Homeland, which really was all good, as Rupert Friend made such headway in the arena of stroke victim sexy. Anyone who wasn’t devastated when he died shouldn’t be involved in media at all, because they’re dead inside. And if you were disappointed in the finale of Girls I’m not going to waste my time with you because you’ll never be satisfied with anything. I mean, the scene outside with the self-absorbed younger version of Hannah and the rant and the jeans and the cop? What’s wrong with you? And outlets that used the phrase “mother of all bombs” are off my list, because #MOAB is the epitome of lethal patriarchy, people!

I definitely, for sure, positively, can’t do a show with anyone born and raised in a red state — no wait, I was born and raised in a red state! So, scratch that. OK, I’ll do this — I’m going to eliminate two interview requests for every new one proposed. At random.

Anyway, anyone other than those people, please, please, call me because I’d love to be on your radio show/ podcast/ blog/ Instagram/ Facebook timeline. Hey, if your hamster hosts a podcast, I would be so grateful if you’d put in a good word for me. As long as you feed her only non-GMO, gluten-free, plant-based kibble, of course.