With marijuana legalization spreading across the country, Amazon is pleased to announce our new service supplementing Amazon Prime: Amazon Primo™. We will supply your choice of marijuana preferences, including Maui Wowie, Afghan Widow, or any of our carefully cultivated house strains, such as Seattle Slaw.
We also offer product suggestions based on your personal purchase history; people who have enjoyed Seattle Slaw have also accessed e-lation, one-hour delivery or — in certain jurisdictions — defense counsel. To offer protection from state-related legal issues, Amazon will maintain no hard copy of your consumer choices; your cloud will be in the cloud. Consumer records will be unrecoverable, even by prosecutors who know the name of your first pet.
Deliveries can be made on a one-hour basis, with product arriving by drone or backpack. Accurate names and addresses will be required; deliveries will not be made to “Guy in the Leather Jacket Standing by the Pizza Place.” Deliveries will be made only in legally applicable areas, but if the customer happens to cross state lines, it’s no skin off our drone.1
Amazon Primo™ is not available to minors or to Amazon customers with large outstanding balances. Acquaintance with other Primo customers is useful; please mention when ordering, but not in writing.
Inspired by our new project Amazon Go™, offering a projected 2000 supermarkets without cash registers, we’re pleased to also offer a range of deliverable edibles, Amazon Gold™, which will also not have cash registers. Along with the traditional brownies, we offer cookies, candies, and a variety of precisely portioned cannabis-containing entrees, with purchases charged to your Amazon account.
We also cater.
Medicinal marijuana is available through our related new delivery system, House Calls™.2
Amazon can also keep track of your consumption patterns and text you when your stash is running low, or simply deliver product automatically when your personal altitude algorithm indicates a likely shortfall.
As part of our new Amazon Primo™ service, the Amazon Echo™ system has been adapted to answer additional questions, such as, “Alexa, have you ever really looked at your hands? Oh wait, you don’t have hands” “Alexa, do we have any Cheetos? I want a lot of Cheetos” or “Alexa, isn’t Alexa a funny name?” It can also provide directions to the nearest Del Taco.
Verbal or electronic orders will be considered legally binding, and charged to the credit card on file. Subsequent claims that the purchaser has no memory of placing the order, or that the giggle following the order sounds more like your friend Jason, will not override the contractual obligation.
Unlike other marijuana delivery systems, Amazon can also simultaneously provide accessories vital to your consumer experience, such as window shades, funny T-shirts and a karaoke machine.
Welcome to Amazon Primo™. It’s the reason the Amazon box is smiling.
1 Deliveries will not be made to any address under the name “Jefferson B. Sessions III.”
2 Not covered by medical insurance, except in California.