1. If your parents knew, they’d freak out.

2. You never thought you’d do it, but a dude talked you into it.

3. Your friends made it sound way more pleasant than it actually is.

4. You wonder whether your boss can tell.

5. You’re afraid to google what you’re experiencing.

6. Your cousin in California thinks she’s a goddamned expert.

7. Any chance of you exercising is long gone.

8. Mayonnaise on a Snickers bar. What a revelation!

9. You’re really into knitting hats all of a sudden.

10. You’ve fallen asleep standing in front of an open refrigerator.

11. You really don’t want anyone in a checkout line to start talking to you.

12. You’ve had a Gestalt therapy-style conversation with your boobs that was actually pretty healing.

13. Overwhelmed by nostalgia and cognitive fog, you’ve rewatched two seasons of Muppet Babies.

14. Dry Ramen noodles are now just weird chips that exfoliate the roof of your mouth.

15. You’re paying more attention to state laws than ever before.

- - -

Pregnant: 1-15
Just high: 1-15