Welcome to Bleak Future Productions and congratulations on being accepted into our internship program. We can’t wait to have you all join us this summer. Since tomorrow is everyone’s first day, I thought it’d be helpful to send you all some information about what to expect and what you’ll be doing over the next few months!
Right now is an EXTREMELY busy time for our company because we just released our newest project two years ago, and we have a ton of scripts that we need to read and feign interest in before discussing aimlessly for a few months and rejecting.
You’ll find that most internships in this industry are very hands-off, but we at Bleak Future pride ourselves on letting our interns get involved in absolutely everything. This is YOUR internship, so take advantage of all the amazing things we offer you and talk to as many people in the office as possible. Take a look at the mini-guide I’ve prepared for you below, and we can’t wait to get to know you all!
One quick note — please forgive us for how messy our offices are right now. We just moved to this location in Beverly Hills from our other office that was also in Beverly Hills and we’re still getting acclimated.
- Interns are expected at the office no later than 7:30 AM
- As soon as you arrive, you should start stocking the fridge with dozens of obnoxiously small water bottles.
- Make sure the espresso machine that is way too fucking complicated for anybody in our office to ever learn how to use is clean before checking that the printers have enough paper for us to completely waste throughout the day.
- Organize the October 2014 editions of the Hollywood Reporter that we still have on the table in the lobby.
- Assistants and executives will start to arrive around 8:30 AM. You should finish preparing a pot of coffee before then so that you’re free to take their Starbucks orders whenever they ask.
Side Note: You may help yourself to anything in the kitchen that comes from a faucet, but please remember that all sparkling water, coffee, soft drinks, tea, snacks, and ice cubes are for employees and guests only.
- Two interns should be at the front desk at all times to answer phones and greet guests when they arrive.
- This is a great way to learn the ins and outs of the industry and see how the business works up close, but please remember that EVERYONE will get a chance to have this thrilling experience, so don’t worry.
- When a guest arrives, do NOT under any circumstances walk back to the assistant to notify them. It looks unprofessional. Instead, one of the interns should fake a medical emergency while the other runs to get help, thereby drawing the assistant out in a casual but concerned manner to meet his or her client in what appears to be a natural but alarming turn of events.
- We validate parking with the stickers in the top drawer.
Side Note: Unfortunately, there aren’t enough empty spaces in the garage of our building for our interns at the moment, but you are welcome to park a few blocks over on Canyon Boulevard and move your car every half-hour if you’d like. If not, we did manage to secure some spots on the roof of the mall about six miles away that you can park in for only $14.50 per day (provided that you leave by 3 PM).
- Don’t ask questions. It’s annoying.
- Answering the phone is a terrific opportunity to get valuable experience in the film industry, and it is absolutely essential that you remain professional at all times. You can learn a tremendous amount if you pay close attention.
- When someone calls the office line, make sure to get his or her name and a callback number.
- Next, ask for the name of the company they work for in addition to their job title, street address, yearly income after tax, zodiac sign, workout regimen, and a list of their biggest regrets and/or genetic predispositions.
- To connect them with someone in our office, just press HOLD, MUTE, TRANSFER, NEW LINE, MUTE again, *443, CONFERENCE, CONFERENCE again, CONFERENCE a third time, HOLD, MUTE, COMPLETE, HOLD, and CONFERENCE a fourth time before punching in the Social Security number of whoever you’re trying to connect with.
- Be sure to remain on the line for a few moments so we can let you know how you fucked it up.
- Feel free to take lunch at any time between noon and 12:20 PM.
- If you’re thinking of bringing a lunch, please remember that our fridge is off limits to interns because it is jam-packed with a month’s worth of leftover salads and weird juices nobody drinks.
- Please refrain from asking anyone at Bleak Future to go to lunch with you because none of us are interested in spending time with some fucking intern.
- Sometimes we will ask you to go on short errands for us, and this is really where you get to see the exciting world of film up close.
- Most of the time you will be asked to walk around the corner to the CVS 2.3 miles away to get greeting cards for someone’s bat mitzvah, but you might also be given the task of driving to the valley during rush hour to pick up a specific kind of coffee for the espresso machine we haven’t figured out how to operate yet.
- We will reimburse you for whatever you spend on gas with valuable morsels of knowledge and experience.
- Full-time employees will always read any project that has even the slightest chance in hell of being decent, but those that we receive as favors or that we identify as just being too unbearable to read will be passed along to you.
- PLEASE take your time on coverage; this is not something that should be rushed through. Nobody reads anything you guys write, but still.
- We often need a script covered on the same day we get it but we also tend to forget you exist, so you’ll most likely receive it around 5:15 P.M. while you’re in the middle of something else.
End of Day
- At 7 PM, please head to the elevators. As assistants and executives head down to their cars in the parking structure, they will need someone to talk to about how tired they are from working so hard and how busy their day was.
- Internships are all about making an impression on the company you’re working for and proving that you belong here. Some interns in the past have slept at the office to get an early start on stocking water bottles the following morning, and it seemed to work well. Of course, you don’t have to. I’m not even saying you should. I’m just saying they did. A lot, actually.
- This internship is for college credit only and is unpaid, but I think you’ll find that the skills you’ll develop while you’re here and the knowledge you’ll gain about the film industry is worth much, much more than real money.
Other than that, welcome aboard! We will see you bright and early tomorrow morning. After you sign a confidentially agreement and a contract that promises you will never contact us ever again after your internship ends, you’ll officially be a part of the team! See you then!