Have you, yourself, described it as being bespoke?

If yes, it is absolutely bespoke.

If not, it might still be bespoke. Don’t get discouraged.

Was this item/experience/thing made specifically for you?

If so, congrats. It’s by definition bespoke.

If not, could you potentially lie to people and say it was made specifically for you? If you do this effectively and they believe you, then the item is (essentially) bespoke. As they say, bespoke is in the eye of the bespeaker.

Did you buy it off an Instagram advertisement?

It’s definitely bespoke. All items mass-produced and sold on Instagram legally have to be bespoke.

If not, did you buy it from Joanna Gaines’s Hearth & Hand Target collection? If yes, it’s bespoke too. If not, what’s your beef with Chip and Joanna? Do happy and successful couples make you feel insecure? Doesn’t sound like a very bespoke opinion to me.

Were you wearing a funny hat when you bought the bespoke item?

If yes, it’s bespoke as hell. I would hazard to say most of your purchases are probably pretty bespoke.

If not, is it because you were actually buying a funny hat as your bespoke item?

Maybe something like a newsboy, derby, or possibly even a bowler hat? If yes, you weren’t wearing the hat yet, per se, but you soon would be, so there is a bit of a gray area. Either way, the situation is grounded in a level of bespokeness, that’s for sure.

When you told people about the item you bought, could you see their eyes glaze over and the life slowly leaving their body?

If yes, that sounds very bespoke to me.

If not, it sounds like you have good friends, which might not be as valuable as having something bespoke, but it’s still pretty valuable.

Was the item incredibly expensive?

If yes, it has to be bespoke.

If not, it can’t be bespoke. Unless it’s vintage, in which case it could have been a bespoke purchase for someone else years ago, and thus there is a bespoke run-off, also known as second-hand bespoke/trickle-down bespoke.

Do people generally find you palatable as a person?

If they do, then your item is probably not bespoke.

If they don’t, your item is unequivocally bespoke. I hope you’re happy with your purchase and what you’ve done with your life.