Kids, come quick! While this little cabin may not have Wi-Fi, TV, or even bathrooms, you know what it does have? A well-worn copy of Trivial Pursuit. Can you believe it? How lucky are we?

I mean, what are the chances that this weekend getaway has such an absolute masterpiece? They could have had other cabin classics like a chess board with no chess pieces, three decks of cards that are all missing the ace of spades, or five Jenga blocks. But we lucked out by having a copy of Trivial Pursuit. Go ask your mother who “must have waited until the last minute to find probably the worst cabin they’ve ever seen” now.

So what if the lake has swimmer’s itch? Did Mom’s “brilliant” idea to go to Hawaii include a pop quiz you didn’t study for in game form? Because this cabin vacation does. That’s why this beautiful box of loose cards was hidden in an unassuming drawer behind a chair. Because everybody can’t wait to play it, and it’s not a last-ditch effort to salvage a family vacation.

The great thing about Trivial Pursuit is that, unlike this family’s patience, it never expires. I mean, how could it? History doesn’t change. Look, I’ll just pull out the first fun question. Well, obviously, not this first one. I’m not really comfortable with questions referring to the “Orient.” Oof, and maybe not this second question about who discovered America. No need to get political. Okay, here we go: “Who is currently president?” The answer is… Ronald Reagan. Yeah, that makes sense to me. It’s also not at all confusing, because this game was made over forty years ago. So that’s the answer. Please respect the game.

Okay, if you kids really want, I guess we could play ironically. You know, ask the questions, but ironically. Then you could all pretend like you’re having fun when Mom comes in the room, but ironically. And I guess you could tell your classmates on the TikToks later that this game is super dumb, but in the end, maybe you also end up having fun. It could happen. And who knows, maybe you’d end up telling Mom that this is actually an awesome trip that good old Dad took us on.

Can everybody just sit still for five goddamn seconds and have a good time playing this wonderful fucking game with me? I know it’s hot. I know there’s nothing to do. I know the toilet paper bush turned out to be poison ivy. I know. But we have Trivial Pursuit now, so if you’d give it a second, maybe you’d realize that this vacation can still be saved. Just sit down, shut up, and tell me who Gerald Ford’s vice president was.

Kids, I’m sorry I blew up, but your mother can’t find out that you all hate this trip. For some unknown reason, she’s threatening to get rid of my massive collection of Warhammer figures if you don’t have fun. Can you believe this? I painted every single one of those by hand. I spent months on them while she kept nagging me about whether I had researched any fun family vacations yet. They’re practically priceless. Why is she doing this to all of us?

So let’s all come together like a happy family would and play this beautiful game. Because it’s great, we love it, and we all want Dad to keep his figurines. And if everybody is extra good, I promise we’ll never have to play this game again.