I’d like to welcome you here tonight. Everyone comfy?

Who brought a guest? I see new people here, fresh faces. Greetings, future friends! I’ve got some terrif news for you. Guests get a free candle, our Lodenberry Meadows tealight. This is our newest flavor, but when I say flavor I mean smell. I just call them flavors because they’re nearly scrumptious enough to eat. I like the name Lodenberry. If I write that book I’ve been talking about, I’ll call the castle in it Lodenberry Manor and the duke Lord Loden, or Lod for short, or Loddie when the main character, Drusilla or Dru for short, is being flirty. I’ve told you girls about my book, right? It has some wisecracking ghosts in it and an invisible gondola but I won’t utter another peep about it. You’ll just have to wait until it’s on the bestseller list.

Now, I think we all have something in common. I’m talking about our fascination for candles. I want to see a show of hands here, who loves candles? Let me do a count. One, two, three, seven, eight, twelve. Well, it’s official, everyone loves ‘em. And if you’re lying I’ll hold the truth candle to you and it’ll burn you. Not really. Only joshing.

Bet you don’t know the history of candles. Whoever can tell me the year the candle came to be gets a free Sinnamon Kiss 3.2 oz jar. That’s cinnamon with an “S” girls, and I’ll leave the rest up to your filthy minds. Anyone? Karen? What’d you say? 1978? Who knew we had a comedian among us? Here’s one for you, Karen. How many women does it take to light a candle? None, because no one can hold a candle to a great woman. I might use that in my book.

Okay, girls, give up? 12,339 B.C., give or take a B.C. The usage of candles predates the invention of the wheel. In fact, when those ol’ cavewomen wanted their husbands to put down the club after a hard day hunting woolly elephants, those Cro-Magnon cuties shaped some animal fat into a charming votive and lit it right there under the stalactites.

Who can name what the first wicks were made out of? There’s a ten-inch Lemon Drop pillar in it for you. Who wants this Lemon Drop pillar, which will burn for five to eight hours under close supervision? Do I have to keep this Lemon Drop pillar for myself? Anyone? Okay, the first wicks were made out of human hair. It’s true! Who wants to volunteer some of her own luscious locks for a demonstration? Oh, come on girls, someone’s got hair to spare. Nobody? I’m just pulling your wicks.

On the coffee table you’ll see several of our various sizes and colors. Our biggest seller has to be this Sunshine Sunflower, which if you’ll notice has a sun where the flower should be, only with petals. The sun is so versatile, really, when you think about it. You can draw a smile on it and it is happy, or make it look like a flower. And a candle with a sun on it is much nicer then the real sun, because a candle warms you gently rather than instantly incinerating you. It’s all in my book.

What’s my favorite candle? You always ask the toughies, don’t you Pam? I’d have to say Brownie Bliss makes my toes curl. If I met my soul mate tomorrow and he didn’t like the smell of Brownie Bliss, I’d give him the old heave-ho. No cookie, no nookie, am I right, girls?

On that note, anyone here seen my soul mate? I can’t seem to find him. You too, hon? I find candles to be a wonderful substitute for a love life. They make a lonely apartment passionate, only passionate without someone to talk with you and hold you. When this Leaftown Breeze pillar burns evenly for between five and eight hours and fills the room with a springtime aroma, it really can make you feel like you might be in love, only not really. I’ll give this Magical Mint votive to anyone here who hates love. No one? We must all love love, right?

So here are the order forms. Just fill out your info and all that. If you’d ever like to be a Wax Witch like me and host one of these blowouts, I’ll be glad to gab with you after the party. These bashes are such a giggle, you meet people and get a supply of candles to last throughout the year. It’s a fun life, wicks and schticks. No, hon, schticks, not sticks. Like my schtick, me making jokes up here. Just fill out your form. Right, concentrate.

Oh, almost forgot, I’ve got an Apricottage Dream votive for anyone who can tell me which famous actress travels with her own personal candle-maker. Very famous. Own candle-maker. Makes candles for this star. Big celebrity. Apricottage Dream. Anyone?