A struggling auteur achieves fame and fortune after getting dumped by her boyfriend.
Production takes place evenings and weekends in conversations muttered half aloud while pacing through my apartment alone. Plans to premiere in unprecedented verbal eruptions at social gatherings where alcohol is served. Will continue to play and replay itself in an unbroken loop on the backdrop of my psyche for the better part of a year.
This is an ultra-low budget agreement with deferred payment. Lead actors will receive a stipend of $100.
MEE, Lead (Female, 27, unconventionally beautiful): The type of creative visionary who comes along once every several generations, influencing thinkers and poets for centuries to come. Must be able to sing an entire opera in Cockney accent. Ten minute long simulated public sex scene with implied nudity. THIS ROLE HAS BEEN CAST. SEEKING STAND-IN ONLY: SHARON STONE LOOKALIKE.
JOEL, Supporting (Male, 32, downtrodden with an air of malevolence): MEE’s ex-boyfriend. Fancies himself L’Enfant Terrible of Ridgewood, Queens. In fact is staunchly Victorian. Abandons MEE when he discovers she’s developing a Cockney-Opera-Screenplay based on their relationship, Mee Struggle, and is threatened by the prospect of her success. Undiagnosed pathological narcissist. Harbors a weird, Freudian resentment of Sean Connery. Ultimately rushes the stage to propose to MEE following the premiere of Mee Struggle, but is punched in the face by my new boyfriend. Requires ability to cry on cue.
GABRIELLA, Supporting (Female, Ukrainian, 35-40, plus-sized): Character role requires expert comic timing. Current fiancé of JOEL, for whom her loathing increases daily. GABRIELLA is actually nineteen years old, but looks a weathered thirty-five. Met Joel through an online “dating” service for Ukrainian women seeking American men. In each new scene, she has an even more hilarious fake story for how they got engaged! Used to be very skinny, judging by her 1000+ glamour shots and clubbing selfies on Facebook, but gained lots of weight eating all the yummy American food. In the end MEE sponsors her citizenship so she can finally leave JOEL. Goes on to a successful wrestling career. Ability to speak in broken Russian/English with thick accent is a plus.
CURTIS, Featured (Male, 37-45, covered in body hair): Man-child and JOEL’s “best friend”. Possibly sabotaged MEE and JOEL’s relationship, not that MEE’m not the better for it. CURTIS’s ambiguous fascination with JOEL throughout the film yields a surprising outcome. Requires full nudity and professional pole-dancing skills.
VERA, Featured (Female, 50-65): JOEL’s mother. Insecure, vicious, trapped in her Patrician ideals of gender role. Cannot stand the idea of JOEL’s future wife escaping the intellectual oppression of her own scotch-soaked farce of a life. Wears lots of white/pastel form-fitting cashmere. Require ability to convincingly portray an emasculating drunk.
GORDON Featured (Male, 70-90): JOEL’s father. Avaricious businessman. Constantly making comments about how JOEL is meant to marry PETUNIA, the only daughter of his business partner. Requires ability to immediately come off as a giant asshole.
PETUNIA, Featured (Female, 23): Okay skin but the sort of lumpy jawline that’ll start to get real jowly once she hits thirty. Owns twenty-nine pairs of Tory Burch flats. Personifying her collection of Chanel tweed blazers initially seems to be her sole basis of character—but don’t worry, that bomb’ll drop later. Marries Joel after he is punched in the face by MEE’s new boyfriend. Unable to shake the sense that JOEL will always love MEE, she goes slowly mad inside their Connecticut mansion. Must be proficient in duckface and vocal fry.
ACTORS, DANCERS, SINGERS, MODELS, GYMNASTS, ANIMAL HANDLERS, CIRCUS PERFORMERS, ARIAL PERFORMERS, MAGICIANS, MUSICIANS, CONTORTIONISTS, CLOWNS, Extras (Seeking all ages and types): Large scale scene portrays the filming of MEE’s breakout work: Mee Struggle, the first ever blockbuster Cockney-Opera-Film. Cockney accent preferred but not required.
QUEEN OF ENGLAND, Day Player (Portrayed by same actress as MEE): Performs MEE’s knighting ceremony then invites her to high tea.
SEAN CONNERY, Cameo: Requires some combat and ten-minute-long simulated public sex scene with implied nudity_. CONTRACT IN NEGOTIATION.