Name: cesar z.
Nickname: “yelp uses us.”
Size, According to His Review of Balboa Pier: 6’3, 250 pounds
Location: Anaheim, CA
Total reviews: 343

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Review of Sports Authority, Fullerton, CA:
“I went in here this afternoon to get a jock strap with cup and some new cleats. They had exactly what I needed. When I went to pay, thee most beautiful mexican woman helped me. She was drop dead beautiful and she had this huge and perfectly shaped breasts. I thought I was dreaming, she was so perfect. So, if you need some sports equipment, and you love beautiful latin women with big perfect breasts, shop here.”

Review of the City of Wenatchee, Washington:
“we drove thru the city of wenatchee while on tour. a beautiful peaceful city. i was able to take a pic thru our crusty windshield.”

Review of Louie’s Trophy House Grill, Kalamazoo, MI:
“In the back of this locals only bar there is a mountain lion stalking a porcupine. it is filled with stuffed animals of all sorts. it is also filled with locals. when i was there, there were 2 little kids and their father, all were wearing neck braces. i also saw a drunk driver drive off of the curb and not bother to fix the rear view mirror that fell off. amazing stuff.”

Review of BCD Tofu House, Irvina, CA:
“The food is just like the other BCD’s I have been to. This is located in the Diamond Jamboree center that just opened. This place is huge, and full of asians. It is the biggest concentration of asians i have ever seen in south county, besides UCI campus. The food was good and filling. We were not rushed to leave, we sat and chatted, drank beer, had a great time.”

Review of Stars Gelato, Irvina, CA:
“The beautiful young lady that helped me made a mistake. I asked her if they sold italian ice, she said that gelato is italian ice. sorry love, but it aint. those are two totally different beasts… The gelato was fine. I had lime, company had mixed berry and caramel. All were fine… I felt sorry for the beautiful young lady that helped us. There was literally dozens of patrons that kept coming in, asking for about 8 or 10 samples, then left. I hate it when people take advantage like that. I left her a huge tip.”

Review of The Lazy Dog Cafe, Orange, CA:
“i phoned in an order the other night. when i went to pick up my order it took about 10 minutes for someone to come to the pick up order area and assist me. when someone finally did come to help me, they said that they just plum forget to start my order. so, i had to wait another 15 minutes for my order. they didnt even offer to give me a discount or give me a free drink, nothing. and the topper, the food poisoned me. i was literally throwing up in the movie theatre an hour after i ate. i hate diarreha and was vomiting all night. thanks lazy dog. i will never be giving you my business ever again. i will also be calling the the board of health.”

Review of Arun D Patel, MD, Fullerton, CA:
“this dentist i believe is the wife of dr arun patel, she did a horrible job on a filling on mine. while she was drilling she cracked a perfectly fine tooth that was next to the tooth she was supposed to be drilling. can you believe that?”

Review of Heaven on Spoon Gelateria, Santa Ana, CA:
“some really great gelato here. its is not a good as frati gelato in fullerton, but heaven on a spoon is still very damn good. they have some staple flavors that they have every day, and some specialty flavors that they have for special occasions or for seasonal fruit… the best thing about this place is the oh so friendly service. everytime i go there is either an older asian fellow there or a young super sexy asian girl with really short hair there. the service is amazing, and thats why i love to go here.”

Review of Adler Weiner Research, Irvine, CA:
“I get called up for a paid focus group maybe once every year or so. It is usually about 2 hours of work for about $150 in pay. You cant beat that. I have done a focus group on video games, paper supplies, frozen foods, beer. Yeah, thats right. I got paid $250 to drink beer for two hours. How great is that! Also, right now, at the Irvine office there is the most beautiful gal working the desk. She has brown hair, or maybe it is kinda of red? I couldnt really tell cause it was up in a tight bun. But she was wearing a tiny leather skirt and she was cutting and sewing together fabric while working the front desk. How amazingly sexy is that?”

Review of Taqueria Guadalajara, Anaheim, CA:
“Forget this place. The staff are rude and racist as all hell here. I went a few years back with the girl i was dating at the time, an asian broad. The girl that worked the register ignored us and refused to help us. I had to yell at her in spanish for her to take our order. When we got our order the gave my date flautas instead of the torta she ordered. I mean, how can you get the two confused. While i was complaining about the order mix up the same girl working the register took out some cleaning spray and sprayed all of our food that was still on the counter. I lost it and was just about to climb over the counter when security came and threw us out. As we left the girl at the counter told me in spanish that i should date my own kind. Forget this place and forget the people that work here.”

Review of Rockin Taco Cantalina – CLOSED:
“i got 86ed from this bar for beating up a bouncer and starting a mini riot. the bouncer was a racists and called my cousin a “n*#ger lover”. i am glad this place is closed."

Review of Cal State Fullerton Library, Fullerton, CA:
“the employees here never want to help you. and when they do, they dont know what they are doing. never go up to the 4th 5th or 5th floor on the south side. its is like rape central up there, plus, its haunted.”

Review of Haskett Branch Library, Anaheim, CA:
“a small library. small compared to the main branch, but bigger then the sunkist branch. this library has a community room you can use, lots of manga and anime books to check out. wi fi access. its is also next to a public park. but the best reason to go here is the beautiful girl that works here that i feel in love with, her name was hazel, but she got fired. now i never go.”

Review of LA/Ontario International Airport, Ontario, CA:
“i fly out of here years ago, in the 90’s to mexico. this place is ghetto fabulous, minus the fabulous. if i remember correctly, the baggage claim is outside. and it smells like cow shite outside.. the only saving grace was this little cd store in the airport. the cutest mod mexican girl worked there. here name was karla, and she was something special.

Review of Alaska Airlines, Santa Ana, CA:
“flew from lax to portland. the stewardess was the most beautiful red head i had ever seen. her name was joanna. and she had these cute bangs. oh. my heart beats faster just thinking about her…”

Review of Taco Pronto, Anaheim, CA:
“i have only been here for breakfast. but its really bloody good. there breakfast burritos are really good. but i keep coming back for their breakfast quesidillas. i dont know why i never thought of putting in egg in them before. super cheap and super fast eats… oh yeah, that dude from the angels was killed here too.”

Review of 99 Ranch Market, Anaheim, CA:
“i absolutely love this place. their produce is amazing, and super cheap (hello, bananas 4 lbs for $1 anyone!!). their deli and seafood section is also top notch and totally cheap. don’t be intimidated by this place, go inside, take a peak, take a chance, dont be such a pussy.”

Review of El Farolito, Placentia, CA:
“i went back the other day and have completely fallen in love with one of the many beautiful women that work there. she is a short lovely mexican gal, her name is Liz (Elizabeth i think), and she is the best thing since sliced bread. Going just to see her is well worth the trip.”

Review of South Coast Village Cinema, Santa Ana, CA:
“I was a fat lonely loser growing up, just like how i am a fat lonely loser now as an adult. But as a 16 year old fat lonely loser i spent almost every weekend here watching foreign and art house indie movies here. I was very sad when this theatre closed down. but was relived when it reopened a few months later… This and the Irvine regency art house movie theatre are my staple go to movie theatres… My best movie memory of this place was watcing “hable con elle” all alone on a thursday night here and crying my eyes out all alone during the credits."

Review of Wienerschnitzel, Anaheim, CA:
“this place always give me dirrahea.”

Review of Farmer Boys Produce Markets Inc., Anaheim, CA:
“When i dont go to the farmers market, i will sometimes get my produce here. They have a great sign outside that says HOMO MILK. weird.”

Beginning of review of Ten Ten Seafood Restaurant, Anaheim, CA:
“this is my second time reviewing this place. my first review was removed because i used the “C” word to describe the women working here."

Review of Red Lobster, Brea, CA:
“disgusting and gross, gave me diarreha.”

Review of La Donuts, Anaheim, CA:
“i really love this place. i have been going since it opened. i had the hugest crush on the daughter of the owner and i would come in after class when i was in jr high and try and talk to her. but the skate store next door opened up and all the skaters got to her and one of them got her pregnant. i never saw her again… oh yeah, the donuts and good and they will usually hook you up with a free donut to try.”

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Hat tip to Fahd Sheikh at