Many times during my travels I have lingered somewhere long enough to start a family. You like a place, you get comfortable, you meet a girl, you have children and your days of travel are over. Great idea at first, yet by the time I abandoned my families it was positively clear to me that I had made a drastic error. Nothing obstructs your enjoyment of life like having a family. Life loses all flavor with a nagging wife, obnoxious children, constant money issues, and suddenly the wonderful place you settled is a living hell. Even if you were willing to travel with your family; which I would never consider, your kids would be unspeakably bored, your wife would be too hot or cold, no one would like hanging out at brothels, and above all refuse to stay quiet while hiding from Tartars. To live a true life of leisure and style you have no choice but to abandon your family. Trust me, in the long run it’s better for everyone. Here’s how to do it.
MOST IMPORTANT: Never Explain
The first family that I abandoned was on the Greek Island of Hydra. A truly beautiful place—idyllic, a paradise on Earth. I would take my wife and son out on the sea in a little boat on Saturday afternoons with our hound, Danube. I will always cherish those days. We had a seaside villa, which I had purchased with proceeds from cheating at cards. As one would expect I soon became bored of this life. Life had lost all flavor, I yearned for the open road, and the delights of travel. I tried to explain to my feelings to my wife but she merely suggested we sell our villa and move to Constantinople. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I explained that I simply needed to abandon them. It was literally the worst thing I could have possibly said. It led to arguments. She watched my every move. Every time I would be about to abandon her she would appear and stymie my plans. One day we went for a day of swimming on the beach. I told my wife I was going to go into the water to cool off. She agreed and watched as I swam out and never returned. Must have been a few miles from shore when I encountered a fishing vessel that picked me up and took me to neighboring Dokos Island and my freedom.
If you make the mistake of starting a family a great way to get out of it is to just leave. Cowardly? Yes. Traumatic for your loved ones? Yes. Mitigates the pain and suffering of leaving a dysfunctional situation? Yes. No hard feelings, no yelling, just fond memories. Plus if you seem really happy before you suddenly disappear that’s how they will remember you. Let them draw their own conclusions. With any luck they will be happy ones, not that you would ever find out.
Make Them Leave You
Look… if you feel it, they feel it. A good way to go about getting out of being stuck having a family is to simply make them leave you. Lose all of your money, provide nothing, and if anything, rely on them for resources. Also be very annoying, tell rambling long-winded stories and bad jokes. Don’t be afraid to be an idiot, embarrass your family members, they should be ashamed of you. Fall down, get covered with mud—get creative. Once they’re gone it’s just you again and you’re free to do as you please.
Pretend You Were Captured By Tartars
Each of my previous recommendations have had one glaring deficiency. While admittedly helping you escape they still are heavily disruptive to your loved ones lives and leave them with no real sense of closure. If you fake that you were captured by Tartars they know and understand you are gone. On another positive note they may even take increased precautions. When I was tiring of my family in Elbląg I told them I was going to go to the nearby Tartar encampment to sell them some dogs and small rodents to eat. They protested, but I just ignored them. Not far from my home I was unexpectedly set upon and very nearly captured by some Tartars. I ran off and hid in a tree. They drunkenly fired arrows at me for a while before they rode off with the dogs and rodents I had never had any intention of selling them. Yet I did not mind one bit. If I were capable of speaking their uncanny language of grunts and hoots, I would have thanked them for I was free!
In closing, anyone can make the mistake of starting a family. Yet the world is still there. Waiting for you to enjoy it in style and leisure. So pretend to join a crusade, feign leprosy, hide out on a shipment of ceramics destined for Alexandria. The options are there. It’s just up to you to abandon your families.