Dear Acclaimed But Insolvent Artist,
Congratulations! You’ve been invited to come stay at KF-Walcott Petrochemical’s #ArtistFlophaus! Your days of couch surfing are over! For no charge, you can crash at the luxurious condo that we’ve designed expressly as a haven for multidisciplinary artists like you! The only thing we ask is that while you stay at the #ArtistFlophaus, you upload creative content to social media that endorses our petrochemical products and technologies! Also, you will have the unique opportunity to support us unconditionally in any public health or labor controversies!
We’re thrilled at the prospect of partnering with you, a cutting-edge artist whose devoted millennial fan base may not be fully aware of their dependence on petroleum-derived products! We’ve been following your career for upwards of several days now—after a meeting with the marketing collective ZyteGuysT, who helped us come up with the #ArtistFlophaus concept—and we would love to provide you with the comfort and freedom required by a working artist to thrive! We’ve been informed that, despite the critical acclaim and cultural cachet you have amassed, you have recently been staying in a series of dilapidated accommodations, including a putrid squat shared with a pop-up Satanist cult. This is no way for a creative genius like yourself to live! At the #ArtistFlophaus, you will want for nothing, as KF-Walcott makes everything from mattresses to hair gel to shale oil extraction technologies!
But the condo’s offerings go well beyond all mod cons. As fellow multihyphenates, we know that versatility requires a variety of facilities and inexpensive labor forces. So we’ve outfitted the #ArtistFlophaus with a recording studio, a fashion runway, a green screen soundstage, a crafting node, and a bevy of low-paid assistants ready to indulge your every whim! There’s also a special #ProvocationNook where you can upload your edgiest work (It will appear online after it’s approved by our publicists). Now you can be like Jeff Koons or Kanye West, if they had the opportunity to engage meaningfully with the importance of nitrile rubbers and naptha feedstock!
We understand if you’re slightly trepidatious about entering into this partnership. After all, you’re a symbol of underground do-it-yourself-ness. But isn’t that tiring? Not to mention dangerous? We’re told that the Satanists (who were not at all ZyteGuysT operatives) nearly made off with your liver during a séance. You’re too old for that stuff! You’ve paid your dues as an uncompromising provocateur. It’s time for you to crawl, poor, tired, and hungry, into the corporate embrace of our upmarket condo!
All you’ll have to do for us is produce an unceasing feed of online content that informs your fans as to KF-Walcott’s brand integrity! Also, depending on how long you stay, you might be required to assist in scab recruitment at overseas factories, produce exultant paeans to our green initiatives, and intimidate petitioners in potential lawsuits! But that’s only if you decide you can’t live without the material comfort that any sane person who isn’t a Maoist vagrant needs desperately!
If we’re happy with your performance as a #CreativeYouthProxy, you will be offered access, on a trial basis, to our corporate jets, price-fixing enclaves, and plebeian sacrifice grounds! Finally, once you are accustomed to the perks of #ThePetrochemicalLife, you will be encouraged to sign over your progeny to our care. They will be raised as brand-shills who will sing the virtues of styrene butadiene fiber to their dying days—or else be loaded on an orphan train to nowhere!
Please let us know ASAP if you’d like to pursue this extraordinary opportunity. If so, we will send a representative to obtain the requisite non-coerced signatures. We’re looking forward to working with you!