Performance review: the final frontier. This is the employee review of Commander William T. Riker of the USS Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to evaluate strengths and identify areas of improvement in skills such as leadership and Microsoft Office, and to boldly go where no employee review has gone before.

Stardate: 46945.4
Officer Conducting Review:
Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Demonstration of Core Values
Commander Riker’s dedication to the Prime Directive has been exemplary. He has upheld Starfleet’s long history of progressive romantic relationships in the workplace, regardless of race or species. However, I have received several complaints about his not cleaning the replicator after making synthesized cod, which is in direct violation of Starfleet lunchroom protocol.

Adherence to Starfleet Uniform & Dress Code
Riker has gone above and beyond to maintain the tight, boxy, and overall constricting image Starfleet so proudly aims to project. Since he grew a beard, I’ve overheard several crew members refer to him as “Starfleet Daddy,” whatever that means.

Ability to Communicate with Others
Commander Riker’s capacity to exchange complicated technobabble at any given moment is exemplary. His response time to emails, on the other hand, could be better.

Leadership Skills
Commander Riker is well respected by his subordinates due to his action-oriented problem solving and boyish rapscallion smile. Some have called his style of leadership “Big Phaser Energy.” Again, I am unfamiliar with this term. Lieutenant Commander Data tried to explain it to me, but I cut him short, because, honestly, who has that kind of time?

Willingness to Follow Orders
Commander Riker has shown utmost loyalty and reliability as my Number One, save one occasion in which he urged me to be kinder to Ensign Wesley Crusher. I let him off with a warning for such a colossal overstep in authority, and the commander has never stood up to me again about that annoying little twit.

Commitment to Professional Goals
Over the years, Riker has shown a strong drive to advance his position in Starfleet. Even his doppelgänger, whom we inexplicably ran into after he’d been stranded on an isolated planet for eight years, ultimately chose to continue his career on a different ship. As such, I would rate the commander’s commitment to meeting professional goals as adequate.

Ability to Report to Post on Time
For a brief period, Commander Riker was repeatedly tardy to his post due to an inability to wake up on time. In his defense, each night he was being abducted by a higher life form and experimented on in his sleep. The disciplinary strikes were removed from his record. Otherwise, the commander’s attendance has been satisfactory.

Overall Work Ethic
Commander Riker has shown a strong work ethic throughout all of the Enterprise’s daily misadventures, such as the time the entire crew aged in reverse, the time we all dressed up like Robin Hood, the time we traveled back in time and met Mark Twain, or the time I had to fight my evil clone, Tom Hardy.

Areas of Improvement
While Commander Riker shows broad knowledge and understanding of bridge controls, he has an unfortunate habit of leaning against the control panels haphazardly. He seems to forget that those buttons could easily fire off deadly photon torpedoes or send the ship hurtling into warp speed at any moment. In fact, he has a rather unorthodox way of sitting down in general. While it may be attributable to his laid-back swagger, perhaps for safety’s sake, the commander should practice less cool methods of sitting. He could also use more training in Excel.

Pay Raise
Riker will not receive a raise, as exchanging currency for labor is considered barbaric in our enlightened times. His devotion to his duties proves one of our greatest values: that humans inherently wish to do good and are worth more than a paycheck.

(The exception, of course, being Ensign “Know-It-All” Crusher, whom I would absolutely shoot off into space had I not been kind of responsible for his father’s death.)

Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise