In Q1, Broti’s panic attacks were timely, well-organized, and produced outstanding work, including Making Broti Cry During a Charmin Commercial and Broti Asking a FedEx Employee If He Was Mad at Her. After Zoloft was brought on there were a few bumps in the road (Broti Breathes Deeply and Counts to Ten, and Broti Chooses Not to Eat the Cheez-Its She Found in Bed), but recently the drug has been taken less responsibility, and we are confident that her panic attacks will return to their previous glory.
Broti’s panic attacks’ record of reliability is second to none. They often work overtime on emergency projects like, Broti Has Not Received a Response to Her Hilarious Email and It Has Been Forty-Five Minutes, and All of Broti’s Sweaters Make Her Look Like a Turtle, and Broti’s Mom Just Texted: ‘Call me. Now.’
As a team leader, Broti’s panic attacks take on a lot of responsibility. They work very well with their colleagues (Heart, Stomach, and Sweat Glands) on key independent projects (Vomiting, Dizziness, and Straight-Up Blood Curdling Fear.) Rarely has an employee ever felt ignored by Broti’s panic attacks; their steady attention to detail and shitstorms inspires everyone else to be at the top of their games.
Broti’s panic attacks are nothing if not professional. They communicate confidently and effectively with their many clients, which include: Tinder Date, Professor Who Broti Sent a Typo-Riddled Email To, and Therapist. Feedback has been overwhelmingly positive, with praise like, “Play it cool, Broti,” and “You’re fine. Really. You’re fine,” and “Why are you crying on my front porch?” We look forward to continuing our relationships with these clients, and are excited about working with even bigger patrons like, An Interviewer Broti Will Sneeze On, or Bag Boy at Grocery Store Who Broti Sends Mixed Signals To, and A Stranger Broti Awkwardly Thanks After She Leaves an Elevator.
Broti’s panic attacks have given an excellent performance this quarter. With graduation approaching soon, the poor job market, and her stagnant social life, we are optimistic that they will have one of their best years yet.