“We will call you every Sunday as you are sitting down to eat dinner.”

“During these calls, you will first talk to your mother and then have the exact same conversation with your father.”

“We will leave non-sequitur, embarrassing comments on your social media posts.”

“We will ask you if you knew [insert old friend’s name] and, regardless of your answer, tell you a long story ending in cancer, death, or both.”

“‘We can see you! Can you see us?’ will begin every video chat. Hint: Ask us about our thumb.”

“You will be expected to spend 50% of your vacation days with us at a location not of your choosing.”

“Someday your father will share his vasectomy story with you.”

“Someday you’ll realize we are sexual beings.”

“We will leave you with Kevin.”

“Your mother will give you seasonally themed tchotchkes for your tiny apartment”

“We hope you have twins.”