(1/23) Cordelia here, honest, loyal daughter, or so they say. Father’s Day is tough for me. Why? READ BELOW TILL THE END. #FathersDay
(2/23) So, my father is retiring as king, which is weird, because king is like pope or gameshow host — you don’t step down. But whatever, he wants to shake all cares and business from his age and unburden’d crawl toward death, so, you know, fine.
(3/23) He proposes a high-stakes poetry slam where my sisters and I freestyle about who loves him most, winners get land. This is dumb and unfair and weird. I AM AGAINST THIS. Also, no one likes poetry slams.
(4/23) I’m a shoo-in to win because I’m his favorite, but the bar is pretty low considering my psycho sisters, with the poisoning and the eyeball-plucking, as you’ll see in a minute. It’s kind of like being Attila the Hun’s sister — hard not to win that popularity contest.
(5/23) In Goneril’s defense, she did have to go through life named Goneril. And she got married off to the Duke of Albany, which turned out to be Albany, New York, which was a surprise and a disappointment.
(6/23) Backstory: We’re not an “I love you” kind of family: no airport bearhugs; I got a firm handshake on my 16th birthday, etc. So this is my opportunity to finally get up in front of everyone, including, strangely, the King of France, and proclaim my love for my father, right?
(7/23) Well, do you know that thing where you’re young and idealistic and too cool to show affection? #TooCoolForSchool
(8/23) Goneril has the right idea, except she’s never loved anything except maybe that whoreson Edmund, and only then because Regan liked him. I would bet 1000 pounds she doesn’t even know King Lear’s last name.
(9/23) Still, she launches into this laughable, over-the-top, “Sir, I love you more than words can wield the matter; Dearer than eyesight, space, and liberty, etc., etc.” And you know what? Dear old dad eats it up! He’s so happy!
(10/23) And then Regan, who’s forgotten every birthday and Father’s Day since 750 A.D., goes next and does the classic, “Oh yeah, everything Goneril said, of course, PLUS… I find I am alone felicitate in your dear highness’ love, etc.”
(11/23) This is a total bullshit move, but also hilarious, and why you should never go first in these contests. But get this, my dad is in heaven again! I’ve never seen him so happy! And me? The only one who actually loves him?
(12/23) I AM NOT HAVING IT. At first, I say nothing, and when pressed I’m all, “I love your majesty according to my bond; no more nor less,” which is just a slap in the face, even though I don’t mean it that way.
(13/23) And then I just have to add that I can’t love him with all my heart, because half of it is reserved for my future husband (name-drop: King of France.) #HonestyIsOverrated.
(14/23) Example: Sometimes I ask my husband, THE KING OF FRANCE, if I look fat in this tunic, and he knows to say non even if he’s thinking oui.
(15/23) In short, instead of a loving daughter, I sound like that pedantic downer who interrupts your awesome food fight story with, “Well, TECHNICALLY, a tomato’s a fruit and not a vegetable.” Would it have killed me to say, “OMG, I love you soooooo much, Daddy!”? #Idiot
(16/23) Look, do I think dividing the kingdom into three, when 66.7% of the people involved are nutballs, is a great idea? And determining the political future of a nation based on a rap battle?
(17/23) But I’m trying not to judge so much. Old people are weird. My dad reads books on the Saxon invasion all day and has his evening repast at 4:40 p.m. Who cares? All the old man wanted was some nice speeches before he stepped off the stage.
(18/23) Well, he also wanted a retinue of 100 knights in his retirement and to sponge off his daughters. But mostly he wanted the speeches.
(19/23) I don’t know how closely you follow politics, but things escalate. I get disinherited. Cray-cray Goneril and Regan get the kingdom, turn away dad, and begin feuding. The Earl of Kent is banished, and Edmund tries to bone both my sisters.
(20/23) Gloucester gets his eyeballs plucked out by Regan and is sent to wander the heath; Dad goes mad too and also wanders the heath. Aside: there are FAR TOO MANY OLD PEOPLE WANDERING THE HEATH! #HealthcareNotHeathcare
(21/23) Goneril poisons Regan, and then kills herself. On a brighter note, as mentioned before, I marry the KING OF FRANCE.
(22/23) The point is, TELL YOUR FATHER YOU LOVE HIM WHEN YOU CAN. One day our parents are here, sane and healthy and wise, and the next they’re wandering the heath like madmen in the rain.
(23/23) My father is embarrassing — he still addresses Dave, the entertainer who works for him, as “Fool”—but he loves me. He’s still here, but he’s not really here, you know? I wish I had told him how I felt. Dad? I love you. I love you. I love you. #HappyFathersDay