Crag, put down the raw meat. I bring bad news.
Somebody dug up your old cave paintings. No, not the ones of elephants and fish. Those are unimpeachable. I’m talking about your other cave paintings. The bad ones.
I know you painted that stuff a long time ago when you were taking creative risks and discovering yourself as a cave artist, but it’s not looking good for you. People are mad, Crag. Some of those paintings are super offensive. The scrawled markings on the damp rock walls are from before, but they’re going to be judged now.
I hate to say it, Crag, but you’re canceled.
Why didn’t you just go into those caves and scratch out the bad paintings? You’re the most famous cave painter in the world, which as far as we know is the area from the heavy boulder to the Loud, Scary River of Drowning. You’re a major celebrity. All five currently living people know who you are. Tak, Vork, Ugg, Phillip, and I all know you.
You’ve been filling larger and larger caves with your drawings. I mean, you were the first cave painter to fill out Madison Square Cavern. Of course your career is going to be under some sort of device that makes small things appear large. You had to realize that one day people were going to dig up your past work.
It’s impossible to please everyone; nobody is arguing that. However, no matter how many inoffensive elephants and fish you have triumphantly depicted since then, some people will never be able to forgive those horrible, earlier rock doodles. It’s difficult to even describe them as art. There’s no message or commentary behind them; they’re just offensive. But what do I know? I’m just a simple herb gatherer who fell into the Loud, Scary River of Drowning because I thought my reflection was my twin brother.
You could’ve at least filled the entrances to those caves with big rocks to make sure no one could go inside and see your old paintings. We live in a sensitive time. People experience a whole range of emotions nowadays, not just Fear of Lightning. Fear of Lightning is obviously still the core of our emotional tapestry, but we’re evolving. The other day, I experienced Fear of Wolf That Was Chasing Me. Humans are becoming increasingly complex, and as an artist, you have to be prepared for that.
Everyone knows that cave painting has always pushed boundaries. Gorg the Great took tons of risks in his paintings and depicted some truly dark subjects. He never played it safe. To be fair, it was that same risk-taking attitude that led him to challenge the Loud, Scary River of Drowning to a fight and then proceed to get murdered by the river. Gorg never had to answer for his ugly work. But, you’re still here. And so, unfortunately, you have to be present for the reaction to your work.
What’s that? Oh, you’re just going to write out one of those non-apologetic apologies on the cave wall in an inappropriately casual font? Where you say cave painting is a powerful tool for brave social commentary and being a good cave painter requires taking risks that might offend some people? And where you announce that you’re starting a patron system where real fans can pay a few rocks to see your cave paintings?
Sounds about right.