Yes, it certainly does seem like this train is taking forever, and you’re right, it’s a good thing they installed this heat lamp on the platform. I will also say this: you show a great deal of courage in striking up this conversation with me. You see, I don’t mean to blow your mind here, but I’m not just a normal guy—I’m a mash-up artist.

That’s right, all along you’ve been standing here thinking we’re just two normal guys, taking the train home to go do normal stuff, like water our plants and feed our cats. But quite the contrary! While you are watering your actual plants and feeding your actual cats, I will be watering the metaphorical plants of my creativity by feeding the cat that symbolizes the world’s need to hear songs from diverse genres woven together into intricate tapestries of music to listen to at the gym.

However, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I’m not your typical mash-up artist. While others work with music from a wide variety of bands and performers, I only use the songs of one artist: me. Unsure of what I mean? No worries. I’ve got my entire catalogue on this MP3 player here.

This track, called “Can You Feel The Heat?” starts off with a verse from “Dialed Down,” which is a soft, acoustic song about when my apartment was really cold because my landlord had not yet turned on the heat in my building. Intermittently, you’ll hear the chorus from “The Heat is On (Now),” a power ballad about how I felt when my landlord finally did turn the heat on. That rapping is also me, from “Where My Heat At?” which is a phone conversation with my landlord, concerning the heat situation, which I re-imagined as a brash hip-hop song

The drumbeat is from a song called “Drumbeat #2” off of my album, Just Some Drum Beats I’ll Use For Mash-Ups. That other less-rhythmic drum-sounding noise is me putting together a bookshelf while rapping. It’s what we in the music industry call “multitasking.”

But it’s not just my music that makes me a mash-up artist. No, my friend, I live a one hundred percent mash-up lifestyle. Why, just look at how I am dressed. Your eyes do not deceive you—this is, in fact, a casual T-shirt layered under a formal blazer! And yes, this belt that I’m wearing is a tie! And yes, these are slim-fitting jeans onto which I’ve sewn cargo pockets! And yes, these sunglasses are actually just a pair of those clip-on shades that turn normal glasses into sunglasses, held onto my face by a tightly stretched rubber band! And yes, I only have one sideburn, but that was more of an oops-while-shaving than an appearance mash-up.

Then again, everything I do is a mash-up of some kind. For example, I recently started mashing my weekend/evening mentality with my weekday-morning rituals by drinking before work. Then, after lunch, I mash my work responsibilities with my hangover by sleeping at my desk with a spreadsheet open on my computer screen. When I get home from work, I usually mash my loneliness with my pride by creating and then immediately deleting profiles on internet dating websites. What I’m getting at is that mashing isn’t always pretty.

Oh, at long last, the train has arrived! No, I’m not actually getting on this one—I’m only here to record the sound of the train doors opening and closing. I’m going to mash that noise with an R&B song and a punk song I wrote. Both songs are, coincidentally, about train doors. At any rate, it was a pleasure mashing up my speech with your speech, or, as a non-mash-up artist would say, talking.