Academic positions I did not hold
2016: Adjunct Professor of Anything at All
2014: Class Parent, Shalom Preschool
1981: Door Holder, Mrs. Orenstein’s 1st grade class, Lincoln School
Books I did not finish reading
2016: Instruction manual to my Roomba
2008: Any novel by any Brontë sister
1984: Archie Double Digest
Tests I did not score well on
2015: “Which John Hughes Classic Are You?” – Buzzfeed
2014: “Is This Dress Blue or White?” – Public Opinion
1999: “How Satisfied is Your Man?” – Mademoiselle
1986: Any question ever asked of the Magic Eight Ball1
Awards I have not received
2006-2016: 40 Under 40 of Whatever
1993: Employee of the Month, Sam Goody, ShopRite strip mall
1989: Who’s Who2
Programs I Did Not Complete
2016: SoulCycle 101
2014: 30-Day Gratitude Challenge
2010: Two-day juice cleanse
2005: That one round of antibiotics
Failed Culinary Attempts
2015: Star Wars Jello Jigglers
2004-2012: All breads
2002: Avocado-lime ice cream
1988: Microwaved bagel
Questionable Accolades
2016: Worst Person on Earth3
1996: Most Likely to Fall Asleep While High, Macalester College
1994: Queen Bean
1988: Chicken Legs, Dwight-Englewood School
1984: Winner, Ramona Quimby Look-Alike Contest, Englewood Public Library
1 Answer hazy, try back later.
2 Forged check did not clear.
3 Shared with Donald Trump and Voldemort, according to local six-year-old.