Academic positions I did not hold

2016: Adjunct Professor of Anything at All

2014: Class Parent, Shalom Preschool

1981: Door Holder, Mrs. Orenstein’s 1st grade class, Lincoln School

Books I did not finish reading

2016: Instruction manual to my Roomba

2008: Any novel by any Brontë sister

1984: Archie Double Digest

Tests I did not score well on

2015: “Which John Hughes Classic Are You?” – Buzzfeed

2014: “Is This Dress Blue or White?” – Public Opinion

1999: “How Satisfied is Your Man?” – Mademoiselle

1986: Any question ever asked of the Magic Eight Ball1

Awards I have not received

2006-2016: 40 Under 40 of Whatever

1993: Employee of the Month, Sam Goody, ShopRite strip mall

1989: Who’s Who2

Programs I Did Not Complete

2016: SoulCycle 101

2014: 30-Day Gratitude Challenge

2010: Two-day juice cleanse

2005: That one round of antibiotics

Failed Culinary Attempts

2015: Star Wars Jello Jigglers

2004-2012: All breads

2002: Avocado-lime ice cream

1988: Microwaved bagel

Questionable Accolades

2016: Worst Person on Earth3

1996: Most Likely to Fall Asleep While High, Macalester College

1994: Queen Bean

1988: Chicken Legs, Dwight-Englewood School

1984: Winner, Ramona Quimby Look-Alike Contest, Englewood Public Library

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1 Answer hazy, try back later.

2 Forged check did not clear.

3 Shared with Donald Trump and Voldemort, according to local six-year-old.