Dad, can I please get Machine Gun Your Face 4 for the Xbox? Logan has it and Caden has it. It’s way less violent than Machine Gun Your Face 3. The blood is like purple, it’s not even realistic, and the things you kill are like aliens, they’re not even real people. And you can’t shoot bystanders, I know, because I played the demo at Evan’s. Evan actually has Bystander 3, where all you do is shoot bystanders, and I don’t even like that one. It’s too violent.

Plants vs. Zombies is boring! None of my friends play it because it’s so boring. And Machine Gun Your Face is not even rated “Mature,” it’s rated “Teen.” Logan isn’t even eight and his dad lets him play Kill Everything 2, which is way more bloody than Machine Gun Your Face and Kill Everything 1.

You don’t know anything about Machine Gun Your Face because you only saw the trailer. Noah’s dad plays Strafer 4 all day on his couch, and he lets Noah play Jugular Cutter 2, where all you do is slit the guy’s throat and the blood is real. Noah and I can’t even play when I’m there because his dad’s always playing. And he’s really good, he’s like the best in the country. He also lets Noah play Jugular Cutter 2 before he goes to bed. And Noah doesn’t even have bad dreams.

I don’t want to play basketball, it’s so boring! All you do is shoot and shoot and then Tyler just kicks the ball into the street, and you don’t even let me go get it. So it takes like an hour to play one game. And Mom makes me put on sunscreen when it’s like five in the afternoon, and Tyler’s mom brings out pears and stands there till we eat them all. Just get me Machine Gun Your Face 4 and I swear I won’t ask for anything else for Christmas. Except for Bleedout 6, which is way less violent than Bleedout 5. The blood isn’t even real.