God mode. Total invincibility to all attacks. You can just stand there and the aliens can’t kill you. Heck, you could even put the controller down and they still can’t do anything. You could even walk away from the Xbox and—crazy idea—talk to someone who’s been sitting here for the past hour wondering if that was in fact an actual conversation she had earlier about going to the movies this afternoon and not just an incredibly realistic dream. In fact, you could come back to the game three hours later and you’d still have all your health. You could even come back to the game tomorrow —while a certain someone is working a 10-hour shift at Lane Bryant to pay the rent since someone else was recently “downsized” from Golden Swirl for “managerial reasons” that I’m sure were totally unrelated to his habit of napping in the service hallway—and you’d have the whole day all to yourself. Incredibly enough, Master Chief would be in fine, fine shape.


Invisibility. Remain unseen by enemies, no matter what you do! You could shoot them in the face with a Mark V pulse rifle and they still wouldn’t see you. Or you could, say, sit here on the couch, theatrically flipping through a copy of Elle that you’ve already read twice, praying that somebody still has enough of a brain left that he can take a hint, but, no, you’d still remain totally undetected. You could probably even leave and he wouldn’t know or care. Seriously. Walk right out that door and he wouldn’t even notice. Walk out that door and maybe call his best friend, Jeff Harshak, and see if he wants to lick Cool Whip off your naked body. Did you hear that? Jeff Harshak? Cool Whip–covered nipples? Hello? Yes, invisibility can sure come in handy.


Infinite ammunition. Nonstop, heart-pounding action guaranteed to get boring, repetitive, and pointless 50 percent faster, shortening the time before you finally, I don’t know, take a shower and eat something else besides Bugles and Dolly Madison mini-doughnuts.


Receive all weapons. Instantly gives you the complete Halo 3 arsenal, including the Mark V pulse rifle, covenant carbine, bouquet of flowers, chainsaw, plasma blade, flamethrower, gift basket with scented bath crystals, trip mine, magma cannon, some chocolates or something once in a while, submachine gun, wanting a foot massage does not make me “high-maintenance,” needler, missile pod, I’m not asking for the damn Hope Diamond here, railgun, and flak pistol. Oh, and the occasional-compliment-giver ray would be nice, too.

B, X, Y, LEFT, UP, B

Shield boost. Plasma shield is impervious to fire from projectile weapons such as needlers, covenant carbines, and, oh, I don’t know, a Glade Plug-In hurled in frustration across the room, maybe? And you never know when you’ll be caught in a flurry of bottles of nail polish or even—crazy as it sounds—the apologetic thank-you card I just realized someone never sent to my sister for having us at her party to celebrate her making partner at Kenscher & Foley—yes, that party, where a certain someone drank too much Crown Royal and kept inviting her friends to “join his firm” before he managed the monumental feat of embarrassing himself even further by spitting up the Better Cheddars he’d eaten too much of all over his only dress shirt, which I happened to buy him for his birthday. Shield not impervious to melee attacks. I said, “Shield not impervious to—” Ugh! Never. Mind.