December 11th, 9:02 AM

Mankind is driven to conquer the unknown and push himself to his physical and mental limits. In this bold spirit, I have resolved to become the first explorer to reach the South Pole. I’m feeling pretty good about this. I’ve got my mittens on and I’m jogging in place by the door. I can’t wait to start this expedition!

December 11th, 9:03 AM

Okay, apparently someone called “Roald Amundsen” already made it to the South Pole in 1911. Still, being the second explorer to reach the South Pole isn’t half-bad. I could live with second-place. People remember Art Garfunkel even though he was only the second-best member of Simon and Garfunkel.

December 11th, 9:07 AM

Hmm. It looks like a bunch of people already went to the South Pole. Was it a mistake to quit my job before looking this up? Not if history vindicates me. I just need to figure out a way to put an exciting, unique twist on a field of exploration that seems to have basically wrapped up in the 1950s.

December 11th, 11:06 AM

Eureka! I will be the first explorer to travel to the South Pole by riding on top of another guy. I have invited my friend Jeff to join the expedition.

December 11th, 2:13 PM

Jeff has arrived at my apartment. It’s time to start gathering supplies. I have filled a pillowcase with Doritos. Jeff will need Fiery Habanero Doritos for strength. I will need Pizza Supreme Doritos for balance. Also I made Jeff quit his job over the phone. Now we’re in this together.

December 11th, 4:52 PM

Jeff and I just watched Michael Clayton to get ourselves pumped up for Antarctica. I must have misremembered because that movie’s not really about a polar expedition at all. Still, I think Tom Wilkinson’s performance was amazing. And though he hasn’t said so, I can tell by the look in Jeff’s eyes that he feels the same way.

December 11th, 6:18 PM

I’ve had an argument with Jeff. He thinks Tom Wilkinson was overacting in Michael Clayton. He says he wanted to watch Caddyshack to get pumped up for Antarctica instead. I tried riding Jeff around the apartment a few times to break the tension, but this only seems to have made him more agitated. Suddenly, he says he wants to be the one riding me when we reach the South Pole. I try to reason with him. To make him hear how crazy that sounds, but it’s no use. I can tell by the look in Jeff’s eyes that he’s a dumb idiot.

December 11th, 7:06 PM

Turns out Jeff only pretended to dial his work, when he “quit” earlier. Expedition morale is dangerously low. We are down to our last bit of Dorito dust. There’s no way we can go on like this. I fear for our future.

December 11th, 9:12 PM

I have eaten Jeff. It was the only way. God help me, it was the only way.

December 11th, 11:33 PM

Just watched Caddyshack. Wow, it’s as funny as I remembered! Bill Murray is a genius. Highly recommended. Five stars.

December 11th 11:51 PM

So ends my failed Antarctic expedition. But perhaps it is not the goal, but the striving that is important. And perhaps it is through our failures that we may find our greatest strengths. Whatever. I think I’m just going to go to the bottom of the Marianas Trench instead. My buddy Dave’s a pretty good swimmer. I could totally ride him.