Wow! It looks like Karen has had another tragic bout of success. Yes, you know Karen. She’s your co-worker, your frenemy, that woman with the perfectly curated Instagram and 101K followers. Even though you are an evolved human who is totally on their own journey and is beyond happy for the growth and development of others, we still thought you could use some wine pairings to help deal with Karen’s most recent life victories.
We were all just as shocked as Karen was when Brad suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. The chivalry and creativity he put into their engagement were second to none. Are those doves I hear cooing, or is my subconscious throwing up? We recommend a citrusy sparkling wine blend to help settle your stomach enough to compliment her on that enormous Tiffany ring.
Pregnant With Twins
That’s right, Karen isn’t just having one little Karen, she’s having two! We can just envision her tiny spawns, Estrella & Arugula, in matching outfits, frolicking through a field of daffodils, holding one of those dumb little blackboards announcing how many months old they are. At least you can still drink, right? We recommend a very dry Sauvignon Blanc that you can swallow hard when Karen tells you about her effortless labor, pain-free breastfeeding, and complete lack of stretch marks.
Karen got that book deal that she’s been working so hard on for the past six months. She was actually pretty close to giving up, but alas, she finally broke through and now might have a bestseller on her hands. We recommend the Malbec, a full-bodied red wine with smoky undertones, to sip while you scan Karen’s book for typos.
Taking Another Vacation
Is Karen in Spain? Or is it Guam? It’s hard to tell which mountain range you’re looking at on Instagram when she seems to be at a different one every goddamn pay period. We recommend a super sweet Rosé to offset the bitterness you’ll feel when browsing pictures of Karen walking down another white sands beach, while you lay under a weighted blanket in your cold apartment.
Cat Has Become an Internet Celebrity
That’s right, even Karen’s cat is a runaway success. Pour yourself a tall glass of fine Chardonnay and remind yourself that the best people in the world are dog people. This superiority will help you get over the fact that Karen will probably get to meet Lil Bub one day and you will not.
Remembered to Bring an Umbrella
Oh, we get it, Karen. You are so fucking organized. You would never misplace a hair tie or have to ask a stranger for a pen. And now you’ve even managed to remember to bring an umbrella because the forecast called for rain. We recommend a rich, dark Cabernet Sauvignon to sneak sips of while you try to blow-dry your hair in the hand-dryer of your work bathroom.
Got Eight Hours of Sleep Last Night
Wow, Karen. Slow clap for you. Way to prioritize your rest. Did you drink that one tea with the picture of a bear wearing an old-fashioned hat on it? Because I personally plan to drink this vintage bottle of Bordeaux Sauternes until I pass out.
Can Digest Lactose
Not only does Karen have the audacity to digest lactose, but she also insists on eating ice cream, mozzarella sticks, and basically chugging milk in front of you. Does she realize the havoc that would wreak in your bowels? You are going to have to pop a Lactaid from just looking at her, which we recommend you pair with a nice, crisp Zinfandel.